Date:	2006-07-06 22:26
Subject:
Security:	Public
Mood:	tired
Music:	stan ~ eminem

I'm applying for an awesome unit - fingers crossed!!

Date:	2006-07-03 13:58
Subject:	I stole this..
Security:	Public
Mood:	discontent

Not usually one to post surveys and stuff in my journal, but I'm bored and don't have anything better to write so what the heck?

1) What is your boyfriend/girlfriends name?

2) What colour underwear/boxers wearing now?
Blue

3) What are you listening to right now?
The fridge buzzing

4) Whats your favorite number?
Seven

5) What was the last thing you ate?
Curried Pork

6)When was the last time you smiled?
Just before when I was talking to Jessica

7) How is the weather right now?
A bit cold

8) Who was the last person you talked to on the phone?
A lady from the uni

9) What is your worst habit?
Biting my nails and tearing up whatever I have in my hands

10) Do you drink?
Rarely

11) Do you smoke?
Never

12) When was the last time, if ever, blacked-out from drinking?
The only time I've blacked out from drinking was when I had my drink spiked, but it wasn't like unconscious blacking out, more like just losing 3 hours.

13) Hair color?
Brown, but it's mostly shaved off at the moment.

14) Eye Color?
Green

15) Do you wear contacts?
Only at fancy dress parties

16) Favorite Holiday?
Not sure

17) Favorite Month?
March

18) Have you ever cried for no reason?
Yes

19) What was the last movie you watched?
The Life of David Gale

20) Favorite Day of the Year?
I don't really have one

21) Are you too shy to ask someone out?
Not usually

22) Last advice you received?
Don't bottle it up, Jade.. just let it out.

23) What was the highlight of your weekend?
Medieval Fair at Clubouse

24) Chocolate or Vanilla?
I'm over both of them.

25) What is the last text message you received?
'Ok don't need to replt I will pick you up about 3 call homelink if you need to.'

26) What is the last text message you sent?
'Yeah, that'd be good. I'll probably be at Clubhouse. What time were you thinking of going? Don't have any credit left.'

27) Who was the last person to call you?
Someone with a private number

28) What books are you reading?
Prozac Nation ~ Elizabeth Wurtzel

29) When was the last time you slept in someone else's bed?
A few weeks ago when I stayed with friends.

30) Favorite movie?
Gattaca

31) Favorite football team?
Brisbane Broncos (NRL) or QLD (NRL State of Origin) or Brisbane Lions (AFL)

32) What were you doing before this?
Looking at some university websites

33) Any pets?
A cat, mouse, and two budgies

34) Butter, Plain or Salted popcorn?
Salted

35) Dogs or cats?
Definitely cats

36) Favorite flowers?
Gerberas

37) When was the last time you got in trouble?
Today, for making faces on coffee cups at a cafe with marshmallows

38) Have you ever loved someone?
Yes

39) Who would you like to see right now?
Ann Marie

40) Are you still friends with people from kindergarten?
One

41) Have you ever fired a gun?
No

42) Do you like to travel by plane?
Hell yeah

43) What website do you frequently visit?
www.bmezine.com, www.wikipedia.org

44) If you could be with someone right now, who would it be?
I already answered that

45) How many pillows do you sleep with?
Six

46) Are you missing someone?
Not right now

47) Do you have a Tattoo?
Yeah, six of them

48) Are there people on your myspace page that you would date or go on a date with?
I'm not a fan of MySpace

Date:	2006-04-26 12:09
Subject:
Security:	Public
Mood:	amused
Music:	banana phone

I'm finally out of hospital. Was stuck in there for two months, but was discharged on monday which was good. I'm now living out near the uni - not too close to the city centre, but there are buses which is good.

I'm getting another tattoo soon - will most likely be the M'Draean crest and some lettering done.. Thinking about having it done on the side of my leg.

I'm starving. Haven't had breakfast yet. Shit. Just looked at the time. I didn't realise how much time has flown today.

I really have no idea what else to write.

Date:	2006-04-06 15:44
Subject:	A long time ago...
Security:	Public
Mood:	apathetic

... I updated my journal. Feels like it's been a bagillion years since I was on a computer. Have been in hospital for the past month and a half. Not very exciting. I'm on a few days leave at the moment and hopefully will be discharged on Monday.

Anyway, I'm not really in the mood for updating properly at the moment - I'll make a more informative entry over the weekend.

Date:	2006-02-24 15:06
Subject:	The pain....
Security:	Public
Mood:	sick

I have tonsillitis - I feel like I have a tennis ball lodged in my throat, and my tonsils are covered in thick, white, bacterial colonies. It's fucking gross. I want to have them taken out - they are far too much hassle for my liking.

I enrolled in TAFE yesterday. I start on Monday. I'm doing a Diploma of Community Services ~ Lifestyle and Leisure. Basically, when I'm done in a couple of years, I can get a job as a diversional therapist and run groups and activities for old people, disabled people, and young people in/just out of juvenile detention centres, as well as hospitals, prisons, etc. It's not something I actually plan on doing - I want to do medicine - but it will look awesome on my resume, fill in time, and possibly be fun. It means I have to shuffle around all of my case management appointments, and change the times I have therapy.

I have a seminar I have to go to on Monday night - what a busy day! - it's about harnessing mind power, self empowerment, shit like that. Might be interesting.

I was in Priceline yesterday, looking at fake tan stuf. The person I was with was taking forever to find something. I'm really not into make-up, so I was spraying on different brands to see which ones have the nicest colour, since they have a tendency to turn people nuclear orange. Needless to say, my upper left arm is now a collage of different shades of yellow/orange/pseudo-brown.

I'm going to the zoo on Sunday. That should be good.

Anyway, I've run out of news.

Date:	2006-02-18 16:39
Subject:	It's been ages...
Security:	Public
Mood:	indifferent
Music:	all that I am ~ Rob Thomas

Hello! I'm not being slack in updating. I just don't have internet at the moment. I'm at my old housemate's place to see my animals and use the internet.

Not a great deal has been happening. Trying to stay out of hospital, which is harder than it sounds. In trouble for not eating properly, and in more trouble for not drinking. My case manager told me that if I keep choosing to go down that path, the end result will be me restrained in a hospital bed having IV feeding, and then ECT. Fuck him though. I don't really care - maybe having a few electric shocks travel through my brain will be the miracle cure we've all been looking for.

My psychologist is frustrated. She said she doesn't know how to help me, that she's at a loss. I told her she should just discharge me, but she said that being at a loss doesn't mean that she doesn't want to keep trying. Bless her - she's so wonderful to me. She's concerned that I'm slipping off the edge into unreality again.

Anyway, that's it for now.

Date:	2006-02-09 16:00
Subject:	Baldly going where no (wo)man has gone before...
Security:	Public
Mood:	refreshed
Music:	some disgustingly bad song on the radio

I had my head shaved yesterday. No, it wasn't for any cause. I did it simply because (a) I could (b) I wanted to, and (c) it's something different. My housemates told me that I look like Buddha with my shaved head and big stretched ears. I think it's insanely funky.

As usual, nothing particularly interesting to say. I've started writing a book. My memoirs.

How boring have I been lately?!

Date:	2006-02-08 10:15
Subject:	Look what the cat dragged in.....
Security:	Public
Mood:	dorky
Music:	some shitty song on the radio

I don't have internet where I'm living now, so I haven't been able to update. I'm at an internet cafe at the moment.

I didn't end up getting discharged until last Thursday, but that's ok. It was a nice rest. I'm fucking sick of the food there though. They haven't changed the menus in over three years. That's pathetic.

I love living with the girls. It's awesome. We all climbed up onto the roof last night, armed with wine glasses filled with shitty goon - was hilarous.

A 40-something year old lesbian from Clubhouse has her eye on me - she keeps inviting me out to do things. She rang me about fifteen mintutes ago to invite me over for dinner... that's fucked! I'm just a little 19 year old :-(

It's my twentieth birthday soon!

How exciting.

Not.

Muahahahhahahaha!!

Date:	2006-01-29 11:30
Subject:	I'm Baaaack...
Security:	Public
Mood:	hungry
Music:	Afterglow Live ~ Sarah McLachlan DVD

Yes.. Have been having some respite in hospital since Monday. I'm on leave over the weekend and having a review tomorrow to get discharged. That place is my second home. Anyway, the hallucinations and voices were beginning to get overwhelming. My case manager had to pick me up from the shopping centre because I trying to stay somewhere noisy so I couldn't hear my head as much. Being in hospital gave me a chance to get some sleep too, which was good. Medication changes have helped somewhat - the hard part is forcing myself to take the stupid pills. I was told that if I don't start complying with taking my meds, I'll have to go back on depo shots. I think needles in the arse are preferable to taking handfuls of pills for breakfast and dinner though.

I'm eating toasted marshmallows - fuck they are nice.

Not much else has been happening.

Date:	2006-01-14 17:16
Subject:	uhn tiss uhn tiss uhn tiss...
Security:	Public
Mood:	tired
Music:	uhn tiss uhn tiss uhn tiss ~ Bloodhound Gang

Fucking mad song. I love it. Sounds awesome when they play it in the Green Room at the Shamrock.

Have been looking up prices of new oboes - holy mother of jesus they are expensive.

Nothing interesting to say at the moment, so yeah.

Date:	2006-01-07 08:11
Subject:	Ick!
Security:	Public
Mood:	sick
Music:	angel ~ Sarah McLachlan

My body must have adjusted to actually sleeping every night for the past month - I used to pull all-nighters more often than I slept, and I was fine. Now, I feel like I have grains of wheat trying to squeeze out of my pores... not a very pleasant visual description, but it sure as hell explains the feeling perfectly.

Yuck.

Date:	2006-01-07 05:24
Subject:
Security:	Public
Mood:	hyper
Music:	ache for you ~ Ben Lee

I just walked home - it's almost 5:30am - I was out clubbing all night. I NEVER go clubbing. It's not my scene, but I went. I suppose a few hits of speed does wonders for the urge to socialise, but shhh, we won't tell anyone that. There was a great band there - I was so broke, had no money, but I still had a good time. I'm not much of a drinker anyway, so it made no difference really. I've got terrible jaw clench though now. Amphetamines amplify the severe bruxism I have already, leading to a very sore set of teeth. I decided it wasn't worth attempting to sleep, since I'd only fail. I have to go out in a few hours anyway to visit James.

Fuck I feel a bit ratshit though... Combination of no sleep, and no food.

I've only got two months of being a teenager left anyway, so I might as well make the most of it before I turn the big 2-0

Indeed.

Date:	2006-01-05 19:42
Subject:
Security:	Public
Mood:	emotional
Music:	gamble everything for love ~ Ben Lee

No more...

Please

Date:	2006-01-04 21:47
Subject:
Security:	Public
Mood:	sad
Music:	silent all these years ~ Tori Amos & Ani DiFranco

Well, this is shit. Sandra told me yesterday that she may only be around for another two months. She's put in for a transfer. I don't want her to go. The only thing that really stopped me from doing something permanently stupid during the past few weeks was the fact that she was coming back from holidays, and I'd be able to recommence therapy, and hopefully she'd help me to clear my head. With the possibility that she's leaving so soon, I'm not sure I can really talk about things that will aid in my getting (somewhat) well. What's the point? I'm NOT willing to start over AGAIN with someone new. I've been working with Sandra for over a year - much longer than I have with anyone. I feel like crying. I kind of feel that once she's gone, and I won't be doing therapy with her, I have no chance of ever getting better. I'm scared to think about what I might do when she leaves. I know I sound like a dependent retard, but the truth of the matter is, I don't get close to people, nor let people get close to me, without a lot of work and trust.

I went and visited James at the hospital today. He's doing ok now, and hopefully will be out within a week or two. We plan to go to Sydney for a few weeks in the near future, which will be awesome. I can't think of anyone I'd rather go on holiday with.

There really are some wonderful people in this world.

Date:	2006-01-01 20:42
Subject:	Aye Aye....
Security:	Public
Mood:	silly
Music:	goodbye my lover ~ James Blunt

Eye!

'tis a picture of my eye!



Ahem.

Yes, I am bored. Have taken my meds, so I have approximately... twenty minutes until my brain shuts down and I turn incoherent and clumsy.

Oh the joy.

I would like to give 2006 a warm reception - 2006, this is your year!

Date:	2005-12-31 18:35
Subject:	I have returned...
Security:	Public
Mood:	calm
Music:	no right angles ~ Ben Lee

...once again from the depths of the local psychiatric unit. I spent the past two and a half weeks in there - was in for christmas too, which was boring as fuck - and got discharged yesterday. As usual, I met some awesome people in there, and caught up with some of the regulars who I'm used to living with in there. I was dragged through to the high dependency unit for resisting admission, and from there escorted (aka dragged by the wrists) into seclusion. As a result of my 'non-compliance', I almost had my hand/wrist broken from the wrist lock I was forced into. After seclusion, I was taken back into the medium security ward where I was informed that any 'acting out' would result in another visit to seclusion. I had my anti-psychotic meds increased three times in as many days, as well as other medication changes.

I met a lovely young man while in there - we have so much in common - even our symptoms are alike. We connect on a very deep psychic level, which doesn't happen often. I think the world of him, and I think we are destined to achieve so much.

James - I know you won't read this, but I'm thinking about you - we'll see each other soon. Just look after yourself. Don't lose your focus on finding ZERO. When we find it, everything will change for us.

New years eve is boring. The only exciting thing about it this year is that it will take one second longer to reach 2006 - oh, the marvellous occurance of having leap seconds to keep in time with the Earth's rotational changes.

Anyway, Happy Holidays.

Peace out.

Date:	2005-12-13 23:13
Subject:	I love....
Security:	Public
Mood:	bouncy
Music:	Into the dark ~ Ben Lee

Ben Lee's 'Awake is the New Sleep' album.

I haven't enjoyed a solo artist so much since I was introduced to Sarah McLachlan a long time ago. His music is so refreshing, and damn catchy.

He's an aussie too, which is even better!

Date:	2005-12-13 22:44
Subject:	Pictures!
Security:	Public
Mood:	bored
Music:	I'm willing ~ Ben Lee

ok... so here are pictures of the tattoos on my right arm, if anyone cares to look. The skelton one is the newest (12/12/05)

The other picture is of the others, which are a bit older.





I hope that works.

Date:	2005-12-12 21:52
Subject:	Inkstains...
Security:	Public
Mood:	accomplished
Music:	Konstantine ~ Something Corporate

It's always good to fill part of the day getting new ink. Slowly getting my lower arm filled with tattoos - will eventually be a sleeve. Was worried about a long scar there - it's a few years old, but wasn't sure about getting tattooed over it. Seemed to go well though. I can't get my other arm sleeved, so was thinking about half sleeve, provided I don't mutilate it too badly from the elbow up. Would also love to get my legs covered in the future. Anyway, today's was a skeleton, with long hair, a bit in the background, and a HUGE red rose up top, with the leaves and stem finishing at the bottom, wrapped around her [the skelton's] feet.

Fucking awesome.

Will get pictures up as soon as I give it a clean and have my housemate take pictures of it. Should put my others up as well.

On a darker note - a fuckhead, who I unfortunately know, decided to come online last night and abuse the shit out of me for hours. It finished with him telling me I have no place in society, and should be put away in a hospital for life. Kind of fucked my evening up.

Oh well - a nice tattoo fixes all.

Date:	2005-12-09 20:03
Subject:	Bridging The Gap....
Security:	Public
Mood:	amused
Music:	killing me too ~ Sister Hazel

It's so great to be back in touch with an old acquaintance - in this case, my bridge piercing. I had it done ages ago...god, can't even remember when I took it out... but had to remove it due to annoying little problems popping up with it. Plus, it was done at a 16 gauge, which I thought was a good idea at the time, but then decided I didn't like it, it was too small. Anyway, I have it done again, this time at 14 gauge. It looks oh-so-wonderful. Very straight. Couldn't have been done better.

Went to a boring seminar on the protocols for getting admitted into the mental health service. I didn't learn anything new, having been in the service for several years now, and having experienced all those lovely things that happen. I went because it was free, and I wanted to see if the way they do things with me is much different from how they are meant to do it. Of course, when I was admitted into the system, I was treated like shit - being a chronic self mutilator really doesn't earn too many brownie points - still, I got in.

How exciting my life is.

Still - I would never trade my mentally ill brain for one which is apparently not.

Muahahahahahahaa