Date:	2005-12-02 20:07
Subject:	Hospital...
Security:	Public
Mood:	soon to be medicated
Music:	sarah mclachlan dvd

Just got out of hospital. They thought I was having another psychotic episode, and that I was (am?) a danger to myself and others. They took me off Lithium, since I flat out refused to take it (seriously, who would take meds they are being poisoned with?) and changed it to Tegretol, and upped my antipsychotic to twice as much, and also put me back on Avanza, even though they didn't know (as far as I'm aware) that I haven't taken it for a long time. I don't mind this new combination though. It bombs me out in an unbelievable way - half an hour after taking my night meds I can hardly walk, talk, or do anything that requires even a smidgen of dexterity. I have a small window in the afternoon where I have some mental alertness and co-ordination back, until I take my meds again. In the morning, I get to wake up and do it all again. It means my head actually shuts the fuck up for once. Having a bloodtest on Monday, and then my meds increased even more. Never have I looked forward to taken handfuls of pills I don't actually like so much.

Stupid fuckers in hospital put me on antibiotics for some open wounds I have. I told them many times that I'm allergic to that particular type, but they said they'd have me on constant watch. Anyway, took the stupid pill and my blood pressure went through the roof, all the colour drained from me, and I almost passed out. That caused a bit of drama. They had adrenaline on standby, and took my blood pressure and pulse every few minutes until it started going down again. Bastards could have killed me!!

At least the food was quite alright. That was my tenth admission, not including my two trips to the short stay unit in three years.

Date:	2005-11-28 13:05
Subject:	Conspiracy....
Security:	Public
Mood:	paranoid
Music:	save tonight ~ eagle eye cherry

I think someone is poisoning me - it would explain why I've been so sick for so long. At first I thought it might be my housemate, but realised that it most likely isn't him. I think it's the hospital, doing something to my meds. Afterall, I pick up my meds every week, and some aren't in the blister packs, since they come from a bottle and need to be divided into weekly amounts. It gives the perfect scenario for someone there to be tampering with it. My housemate could play a part in it though, since he'd love to see me out of the picture. It's not like anyone would believe my theories anyway, so it gives them a chance to do their tricks. People will just say that I'm psychotic, or being paranoid, that it's all part of mental illnes.

I know the truth though.

Date:	2005-11-24 17:47
Subject:
Security:	Public
Mood:	blah
Music:	bitter end ~ Placebo

Escaped hospitalisation today. It's just a matter of time though. Will happen sooner rather than later it seems. At least I'm predictable - advantages of being locked up so often. It's not too much of a surprise to anyone, or myself, when it happens again.

Date:	2005-11-16 18:36
Subject:
Security:	Public
Mood:	still worried
Music:	David Duchovny ~ Bree Sharp

I'm almost tearing my hair out with worry. Damn.

Saw Laura and Kerri this afternoon - haven't seen them since early last year. Was great to see them. I love them a lot. They are the reason I'm still alive.

Yup.

Date:	2005-11-15 20:56
Subject:
Security:	Public
Mood:	worried
Music:	Hangin' by a thread ~ Jann Arden

I don't think I've ever worried for someone as much as I do for Hamish right now. He's gone into another hole - won't talk to me, nor answer my messages. I hope, more than anything, that he's ok.

Hamish, I know you don't read this journal, but...

I HEART YOU.

Date:	2005-11-15 18:47
Subject:
Security:	Public
Mood:	sad
Music:	Vermillion Pt 2 ~ Slipknot

I feel sad - so incredibly, heart wrenchingly sad. Sandra said she wishes she could bundle me up in a duffle bag and take me home. She's awesome. She starts her holidays next Friday, which means she'll be gone for five weeks. I hope she has a good time - she's been so great to me. Still, it'll be an amazingly difficult time. I'll still have Christine around though, and Austin is working over the christmas break, so there will be someone around for me.

Sigh.

Date:	2005-11-04 18:51
Subject:	Bloody morons....
Security:	Public
Mood:	apprehensive
Music:	running up that hill ~ Within Temptation

I was made to take out every one of my piercings today - granted, it was for a CT scan, but still. They made me wait for an hour and a half, despite the fact that I was booked in for 2:30pm, which meant I had no chance of putting most of my jewellery back in. Now, all I've got is my nose, septum, and stretched lobes, which weren't going to close up in a hurry. Also had more blood taken today, to see if I had any pituitary disturbances. I'm off for an EEG on Friday of next week. I'm hoping something shows up - otherwise, I'll officially be a hyperchondriac, even though I know I'm not, that something really is going on. I think it would be amusing if the CT scan showed I only had half a brain, or even better, no brain at all. Not likely to happen, of course. I'm not going to get the results of today's test until Tuesday. I hate waiting.

Date:	2005-10-26 23:58
Subject:	well...
Security:	Public
Mood:	accomplished
Music:	breathe in ~ Frou Frou

It's been a while since I updated, so I thought I'd write an entry. Have been busy doing much research. Have a few topics I'm learning about at the moment - brain injury and the resulting damage, Amino-acids, IQ, various psychological testing methods, in particular, the MMPI, and universities who offer an undergraduate bachelor of medicine degree. Also reading up on genetic engineering. Doesn't sound too facinating, I'm sure, but I'm a geek.

Austin has decided to use me as his guinea pig for a new system of care planning. He said that out of all his clients, I'm the one most likely to tell him to fuck off and it's a piece of shit if it is. I hate doing care plans and crap like that. No-one follows them, so they are just a complete waste of time. Told Sandra I was sick of being a part of the shitty mental health system. She said I have to 'get well' before they'll consider booting me out. Such is life, I suppose.

Dad rang today. Haven't spoken to him in ages. He called to tell me to ring my grandpa who apparently has a week to live. Problem is, I can't win in this situation - if I call, we'll get into an argument, and he'll probably die. If that happens, my mum will call me a murderer until the day I die. If I don't call, then mum will abuse me for the rest of my life for being a 'cold hearted, unfeeling bitch who doesn't care about her dying relatives'. Blah. Stuck between a rock and a hard place.

Have been uber paranoid of late - well, always, but more severely recently. I'm not intending on telling an 'professionals' though, since they'll label me as psychotic and add/increase/change my meds. I think my mum has made a voodoo doll. She's into doll and teddy making, and she's an evil bitch, so I think she's got a voodoo doll representing me. Would explain the illness and seemingly random bone pains I get. I must be on the slide, because I don't even believe in voodoo, and black magic, or any magic for that matter. Still, I'm kind of convinced of it being the case.

It's such fun being a nutcase.

Date:	2005-10-13 04:19
Subject:	RAR!
Security:	Public
Mood:	mellow
Music:	I grieve ~ Peter Gabriel

Almost 4:30am and I've not been to bed yet. I'll get lectured, but that's fine. I love the night. Plenty of time for sleep later...not that I will *grin*

Bloodtests came back negative for what they were testing for - not happy about that. Now I will have to get more blood taken. I wish they'd just find out what the bloody hell is wrong with me. I tell you what, QLD doctors are fucking stupid.

In other news, my hand hurts. I think it's more than just bruising. I can't move my little finger properly - it sort of clicks in and out of the joint, I can't bring my thumb and little finger together, and just the slightest bump makes it swell up like a balloon. I think I'll have to get a second opinion, since my stupid doctor wouldn't even send me off for x-rays.

Gah! I must be in a complaining mood!

xox

Date:	2005-10-10 13:45
Subject:	Not happy....
Security:	Public
Mood:	sick
Music:	pretty girl ~ Sugarcult

I feel like a bloody pin cushion. I have orders for yet another blood test tomorrow - that's three in two weeks. My poor veins are going to collapse! They just can't handle being stabbed so much - they are just tiny, delicate little things. My ATODS doctor is concerned about Lithium toxicity. I'm thinking it's not that. Hopefully they'll get to the bottom of whatever is wrong.

Need to have a series of neuro-tests done, to see if I do in fact have damage in a particular section in the right hemisphere of my brain. It's definitely looking that way. It's a shame it's damage to an area that will play a crucial part in me getting my med degree.

polle sana

Date:	2005-10-10 03:10
Subject:	Sleep is overrated...
Security:	Public
Mood:	peaceful
Music:	Slide along side ~ Shifty

Yup, title says it all. I'm having yet another all nighter. It's good I can cope well on no sleep. Grooving out to cool tunes and just chilling. It's pleasant. I love the night. So quiet and peaceful.

Date:	2005-10-09 21:19
Subject:	Emotionally Drained....
Security:	Public
Mood:	drained
Music:	When morning comes ~ Dishwalla

I've come to the conclusion that I would make a shitty therapist - I really would.

End of story.

Date:	2005-10-09 18:48
Subject:	In a sappy mood....
Security:	Public
Mood:	melancholy
Music:	every little thing ~ Dishwalla

"Every Little Thing"

Let me in
to see you in the morning light
to get me on and all along the tears they come
see all come
I want you to believe in life
but I get the strangest feeling that you've gone away
will you find out who you are too late to change?
I wish I could be
every little thing you wanted
all the time
I wish I could be
every little thing you wanted
all the time
some times

lift me up
just lift me up don't make a sound
and let me hold you up before you hit the ground
see all come
you say your all right
but I get the strangest feeling
that you've gone away- you've gone away
and will you find out who you are too late to change?

I wish I could be
every little thing you wanted
all the time
I wish I could be
every little thing you wanted
all the time
some times

Don't give me up
don't give me up tonight
or soon nothing will be right at all
salvation
will you find out who you are too late to change?

I wish I could be
every little thing you wanted

Date:	2005-10-08 19:21
Subject:
Security:	Public
Mood:	cheerful
Music:	Candleburn ~ Dishwalla

Well, haven't updated in a while, and saw I had a comment on previous entry so I thought I should make another..

I'm such an arse sometimes. Today I was talking to a friend in Adelaide. She's a wonderful person and I love her to bits. She's also deaf. Well, me, being the unthinking bitch I am, asked her today if she'd heard some song I was listening to. I wanted to sink into the ground when she said that she hadn't 'heard' it. Gah! I can be such an insensitive prick sometimes. I think my problem is that I just see the person, not their 'disability' (I hate that word!). It's like my transexual friend. I don't even remember most of the time that she's been anything other than female.

Not much has been happening. Making some plans to make big changes in my life. I've sat where I am for far too long, and I'm now ready to do something about it.

Was called 'creepy' the other day; also 'selfish', 'bitchbag', and a few other choice words. That's what you get for trying to do the right thing by the majority of people. Oh well. Such is life.

A girl in America I was talking to introduced me to the brilliant music of Dishwalla. Awesome! She sent me a whole album (shhh!) and I just love it. Also have Jacinta sending me masses of music through email. A week ago I was complaining about my music being boring because I've listened to it too much, and now I have more than I can listen to.

Went out for dinner and drinks last night. My friends tried to get me drunk so I'd play Strip Poker. I got pretty legless and thought it might be better for me to go home. I did not want to get naked. Got home, Jacinta rang, and I proceeded to talk shit and giggle and crack myself up.

Sometimes I'm a bloody nutter!

Wow - talk about a random entry!

Date:	2005-09-29 18:03
Subject:
Security:	Public
Mood:	lonely
Music:	lover I don't have to love ~ Bright Eyes

I wish I was incapable of loving. Maybe then life wouldn't hurt so damn much. I hope he realises just how much he means to me. Sometimes people come into your life, and without ever having met in person, they just rock your world; make you feel alive, and make you realise that no matter what happens, things will be ok.

I hate feeling the passion that I do sometimes

Date:	2005-09-18 22:36
Subject:	Oh wow....
Security:	Public
Mood:	energetic

Super happy and buzzing and racing and talking. Driving everyone nuts because they can't keep up with me. Got a new (old) piercing, got new jewellery for my septum, and had my hair cut really short. Also...my housemate, Steve, bought me a new phone . Nothing flash. I had a Nokia 3200 last year, but it got stolen so I replaced it with a 7250i. Now, while I love my 7250i to bits, I wanted a 3200 again, because it has a ringtone I like, and a torch. I spotted one in a pawn shop today. Steve bought it for me!! I gave him my 7250i in exchange. It beats his crappy old 3315 anyday.

RAR!

Date:	2005-09-17 15:54
Subject:
Security:	Public
Mood:	jubilant
Music:	Thirty Whacks ~ The Dresden Dolls

I feel super duper! Still paranoid as fuck, but super nonetheless

Date:	2005-09-14 15:02
Subject:	Not again....
Security:	Public
Mood:	hyper
Music:	I'm Still Here ~ Vertical Horizon

I'm in the beginnings of a manic episode. Finally out of the depression, although, I'm not feeling too great - not depressed - jittery, extremely anxious and paranoid. My heart is racing, my mind is racing. Sandra took my pulse today in our session. It was 116. I was catching the bus to the hospital this morning, and I sat up near the front. Two young girls were in the very back, and soon as I got on they started looking at me and whispering. One of them got up, moved to sit two seats behind me, stayed there for two minutes, and then went to the back again. Sandra said they were probably just looking at my flesh tunnels, but I think it was something more than that. I don't know. See, paranoid. I feel good though. Very good actually, apart from those things I've mentioned. I've got terrible butterflies in my stomach. I'm shakey. It's much better than being depressed though - for the time being anyway.

Date:	2005-09-11 19:50
Subject:
Security:	Public
Mood:	crappy
Music:	You're Beautiful ~ James Blunt

Things aren't terribly bad at the moment
(so why do I feel so damn awful)

Date:	2005-09-06 17:52
Subject:	Identity...
Security:	Public
Mood:	distressed
Music:	Best of You ~ Foo Fighters

I don't know what my identity is. I know who I am, sure, I'm Jade, but who am I really? What do I like? What do I dislike? What are my beliefs? What am I passionate about? What do I stand for? I get asked those questions all the time, but I can't answer them - if I do give an answer, it's usually some vague, airy-fairy one, like, well, I'm Jade, I like body modification and I want to be a doctor. None of that defines who I really am though. I don't know who I am. People tell me that lack of identity is all part and parcel of being a borderline. That just doesn't cut it for me though. I hate people who use their 'labels' as an excuse for their behaviour, or they use my labels to excuse mine. I don't need to use those as an excuse though. I'm quite aware that I'm responsible for my actions. Why can't other people take responsibility for theirs? For instance, my housemate blames all of his arseholeness on being Autistic. Fine. That's all well and good - if he actually was diagnosed with that. Everyone knows self-diagnosis is bullshit, yet he does it so he has an excuse for everything he does. I don't go around blaming my (bad) behaviours on the fact that 'oh, I'm borderline, oh, I'm bipolar', because quite frankly, that's complete and utter trash. Sure, they may play a large part in my emotions, but ultimately, I'm in charge of how I act on those emotions, for instance, cutting. I'm quite aware that I've done it. Granted, I do dissociate a lot, but I don't look back on it and say, 'well, my borderline personality MADE me do it'.

Blah. My meds are all fucked up. I came off the mood stabiliser, because it was making my hair fall out quite dramatically. I didn't think it was working anymore anyway. However, since stopping it, my mood has hit a low that I haven't felt (not in this intensity anyway) for ages. Spoke to my psychologist today, who in turn spoke with a doctor. He couldn't see me, and doesn't want to step on mental health's toes, so he tried to get me in to see a psychiatrist. No one was available though, and my dick of a case manager is away this week, so I'll most likely have to wait until next week, if I'm lucky. My meds definitely need fixing though. I'll probably be put on Lithium, since that's the next step from Sodium Valproate. I'd rather not be on anything, but I know how much I go off the rails when I stop taking it.

My psychologist said I was challenge. I was expecting that. Everyone puts me in the 'too hard basket'. She said that she wishes she could just bundle me up in cotton wool and take me away from the world. She's such a lovely lady. I feel like I'm wasting her time though. I've been seeing her for a year now, and to her, we haven't really gotten anywhere. That's probably true, but I told her that I do take stuff away from our sessions. She said as long as that is the case, I'm not wasting her time. She's a bit concerned about the fact that I don't think I am real, that I'm convinced that I'm really dead, or in a hospital bed having drug-induced dreams. She said she needs to keep an eye on the derealisation that I'm having. She's thinking it's a part of the bipolar though.

I'm scared that everyone around me is dying, and that I'll be left in this world alone. I know it's not true, but still, I'm so worried. I've been asking everyone if they are dying, and just not telling me about it. It doesn't matter how much they reassure me, there's a part that still thinks they are lying to protect me. I'm so scared of being abandoned. I'm having real abandonment issues at the moment.