Date:	2005-10-10 03:10
Subject:	Sleep is overrated...
Security:	Public
Mood:	peaceful
Music:	Slide along side ~ Shifty

Yup, title says it all. I'm having yet another all nighter. It's good I can cope well on no sleep. Grooving out to cool tunes and just chilling. It's pleasant. I love the night. So quiet and peaceful.

Date:	2005-10-09 21:19
Subject:	Emotionally Drained....
Security:	Public
Mood:	drained
Music:	When morning comes ~ Dishwalla

I've come to the conclusion that I would make a shitty therapist - I really would.

End of story.

Date:	2005-10-09 18:48
Subject:	In a sappy mood....
Security:	Public
Mood:	melancholy
Music:	every little thing ~ Dishwalla

"Every Little Thing"

Let me in
to see you in the morning light
to get me on and all along the tears they come
see all come
I want you to believe in life
but I get the strangest feeling that you've gone away
will you find out who you are too late to change?
I wish I could be
every little thing you wanted
all the time
I wish I could be
every little thing you wanted
all the time
some times

lift me up
just lift me up don't make a sound
and let me hold you up before you hit the ground
see all come
you say your all right
but I get the strangest feeling
that you've gone away- you've gone away
and will you find out who you are too late to change?

I wish I could be
every little thing you wanted
all the time
I wish I could be
every little thing you wanted
all the time
some times

Don't give me up
don't give me up tonight
or soon nothing will be right at all
salvation
will you find out who you are too late to change?

I wish I could be
every little thing you wanted

Date:	2005-10-08 19:21
Subject:
Security:	Public
Mood:	cheerful
Music:	Candleburn ~ Dishwalla

Well, haven't updated in a while, and saw I had a comment on previous entry so I thought I should make another..

I'm such an arse sometimes. Today I was talking to a friend in Adelaide. She's a wonderful person and I love her to bits. She's also deaf. Well, me, being the unthinking bitch I am, asked her today if she'd heard some song I was listening to. I wanted to sink into the ground when she said that she hadn't 'heard' it. Gah! I can be such an insensitive prick sometimes. I think my problem is that I just see the person, not their 'disability' (I hate that word!). It's like my transexual friend. I don't even remember most of the time that she's been anything other than female.

Not much has been happening. Making some plans to make big changes in my life. I've sat where I am for far too long, and I'm now ready to do something about it.

Was called 'creepy' the other day; also 'selfish', 'bitchbag', and a few other choice words. That's what you get for trying to do the right thing by the majority of people. Oh well. Such is life.

A girl in America I was talking to introduced me to the brilliant music of Dishwalla. Awesome! She sent me a whole album (shhh!) and I just love it. Also have Jacinta sending me masses of music through email. A week ago I was complaining about my music being boring because I've listened to it too much, and now I have more than I can listen to.

Went out for dinner and drinks last night. My friends tried to get me drunk so I'd play Strip Poker. I got pretty legless and thought it might be better for me to go home. I did not want to get naked. Got home, Jacinta rang, and I proceeded to talk shit and giggle and crack myself up.

Sometimes I'm a bloody nutter!

Wow - talk about a random entry!

Date:	2005-09-29 18:03
Subject:
Security:	Public
Mood:	lonely
Music:	lover I don't have to love ~ Bright Eyes

I wish I was incapable of loving. Maybe then life wouldn't hurt so damn much. I hope he realises just how much he means to me. Sometimes people come into your life, and without ever having met in person, they just rock your world; make you feel alive, and make you realise that no matter what happens, things will be ok.

I hate feeling the passion that I do sometimes

Date:	2005-09-18 22:36
Subject:	Oh wow....
Security:	Public
Mood:	energetic

Super happy and buzzing and racing and talking. Driving everyone nuts because they can't keep up with me. Got a new (old) piercing, got new jewellery for my septum, and had my hair cut really short. Also...my housemate, Steve, bought me a new phone . Nothing flash. I had a Nokia 3200 last year, but it got stolen so I replaced it with a 7250i. Now, while I love my 7250i to bits, I wanted a 3200 again, because it has a ringtone I like, and a torch. I spotted one in a pawn shop today. Steve bought it for me!! I gave him my 7250i in exchange. It beats his crappy old 3315 anyday.

RAR!

Date:	2005-09-17 15:54
Subject:
Security:	Public
Mood:	jubilant
Music:	Thirty Whacks ~ The Dresden Dolls

I feel super duper! Still paranoid as fuck, but super nonetheless

Date:	2005-09-14 15:02
Subject:	Not again....
Security:	Public
Mood:	hyper
Music:	I'm Still Here ~ Vertical Horizon

I'm in the beginnings of a manic episode. Finally out of the depression, although, I'm not feeling too great - not depressed - jittery, extremely anxious and paranoid. My heart is racing, my mind is racing. Sandra took my pulse today in our session. It was 116. I was catching the bus to the hospital this morning, and I sat up near the front. Two young girls were in the very back, and soon as I got on they started looking at me and whispering. One of them got up, moved to sit two seats behind me, stayed there for two minutes, and then went to the back again. Sandra said they were probably just looking at my flesh tunnels, but I think it was something more than that. I don't know. See, paranoid. I feel good though. Very good actually, apart from those things I've mentioned. I've got terrible butterflies in my stomach. I'm shakey. It's much better than being depressed though - for the time being anyway.

Date:	2005-09-11 19:50
Subject:
Security:	Public
Mood:	crappy
Music:	You're Beautiful ~ James Blunt

Things aren't terribly bad at the moment
(so why do I feel so damn awful)

Date:	2005-09-06 17:52
Subject:	Identity...
Security:	Public
Mood:	distressed
Music:	Best of You ~ Foo Fighters

I don't know what my identity is. I know who I am, sure, I'm Jade, but who am I really? What do I like? What do I dislike? What are my beliefs? What am I passionate about? What do I stand for? I get asked those questions all the time, but I can't answer them - if I do give an answer, it's usually some vague, airy-fairy one, like, well, I'm Jade, I like body modification and I want to be a doctor. None of that defines who I really am though. I don't know who I am. People tell me that lack of identity is all part and parcel of being a borderline. That just doesn't cut it for me though. I hate people who use their 'labels' as an excuse for their behaviour, or they use my labels to excuse mine. I don't need to use those as an excuse though. I'm quite aware that I'm responsible for my actions. Why can't other people take responsibility for theirs? For instance, my housemate blames all of his arseholeness on being Autistic. Fine. That's all well and good - if he actually was diagnosed with that. Everyone knows self-diagnosis is bullshit, yet he does it so he has an excuse for everything he does. I don't go around blaming my (bad) behaviours on the fact that 'oh, I'm borderline, oh, I'm bipolar', because quite frankly, that's complete and utter trash. Sure, they may play a large part in my emotions, but ultimately, I'm in charge of how I act on those emotions, for instance, cutting. I'm quite aware that I've done it. Granted, I do dissociate a lot, but I don't look back on it and say, 'well, my borderline personality MADE me do it'.

Blah. My meds are all fucked up. I came off the mood stabiliser, because it was making my hair fall out quite dramatically. I didn't think it was working anymore anyway. However, since stopping it, my mood has hit a low that I haven't felt (not in this intensity anyway) for ages. Spoke to my psychologist today, who in turn spoke with a doctor. He couldn't see me, and doesn't want to step on mental health's toes, so he tried to get me in to see a psychiatrist. No one was available though, and my dick of a case manager is away this week, so I'll most likely have to wait until next week, if I'm lucky. My meds definitely need fixing though. I'll probably be put on Lithium, since that's the next step from Sodium Valproate. I'd rather not be on anything, but I know how much I go off the rails when I stop taking it.

My psychologist said I was challenge. I was expecting that. Everyone puts me in the 'too hard basket'. She said that she wishes she could just bundle me up in cotton wool and take me away from the world. She's such a lovely lady. I feel like I'm wasting her time though. I've been seeing her for a year now, and to her, we haven't really gotten anywhere. That's probably true, but I told her that I do take stuff away from our sessions. She said as long as that is the case, I'm not wasting her time. She's a bit concerned about the fact that I don't think I am real, that I'm convinced that I'm really dead, or in a hospital bed having drug-induced dreams. She said she needs to keep an eye on the derealisation that I'm having. She's thinking it's a part of the bipolar though.

I'm scared that everyone around me is dying, and that I'll be left in this world alone. I know it's not true, but still, I'm so worried. I've been asking everyone if they are dying, and just not telling me about it. It doesn't matter how much they reassure me, there's a part that still thinks they are lying to protect me. I'm so scared of being abandoned. I'm having real abandonment issues at the moment.

Date:	2005-09-04 18:49
Subject:	Numb...
Security:	Public
Mood:	contemplative
Music:	love to love ~ zwan

I feel so numb. I was arguing with someone the other day about feelings, or lack of them. He told me it's impossible for a person to feel NO emotions, that feeling nothing is an emotion in itself. I disagreed. Sometimes I feel so void of emotion. I guess he is right though. 'Indifferent' is probably a better word for my 'lack of emotion' - so then, it does have a name. I'm officially 'feeling' something. Blah. This hurts my head.

I'm annoyed (yes, another emotion). Sandra is only giving me half-sessions. I feel abandoned. I feel like I'm not worthy of her time, which is why I'm getting the short ones. Austin told me that when something changes, I automatically assume it's because of me, in a bad way. He said she's probably giving me half-hour ones because that's as long as I can keep on one topic, and even then I struggle. That's a good point, I guess. I do tend to jump from topic to topic. Sandra says I do it on purpose, to avoid talking about things. I disagree. It's because my mind races so much, I spill out everything in what seems like a completely random order in the space of thirty seconds. Austin says it's nearly impossible for him to keep up with me some days. He's worried it's going to get worse, since I'm coming off the mood stabiliser and I may start having manic episodes again. Everyone seems to think it's a big deal. Being manic isn't bad. Not as first, anyway. I feel powerful, I can do things I wouldn't normally do. It is exhausting though. It takes me weeks to recover from a severe manic episode, just from the sheer energy I use. Still, I wouldn’t mind feeling that way at the moment. It would beat the seemingly never-ending depression that I’m going through right now. People seem to think I have a bountiful supply of strength – I don’t. I can hardly keep myself upright, let alone everyone else. Sometimes I think my problem is I care way too much about things. I pretend I don’t, that I’m ambivalent, that nothing bothers me, when the truth of the matter is that everything does. In actual fact, I’m a super sensitive person. I get too involved with things, and people. I have trouble distancing myself. I get so caught up in them (obsessive?) that I put everything into fixing them, even if they don’t want to be fixed. I put all my energy in fighting for what seems to be a lost cause at times. That’s not trying to be cruel, and saying that people are lost causes. Maybe they are, maybe they aren’t – that’s not for me to really judge, is it?

I can’t tell the difference between reality and dreams anymore, fact from fiction. I’m caught in a world in between, where everything has such a surreal feel. I don’t know if I dream things anymore, or if they actually happened. I get confused, because I’ll think I’ve said something to someone, and I’ll comment on it later, and they’ll be like, what are you talking about? I get confused because I ‘remember’ the conversation, so obviously it really did happen, right? No. Not right. I don’t know whether I’m Arthur or Martha. I live in a state of Déjà vu. I dream about things happening, and then they happen. Not such a big deal, most people would say; it happens to everyone. Maybe I’m psychic. Ha. As I mentioned before, my ‘reality’ has such a surreal feel to it. Sometimes it’s like I’m not even in my body, that I’m watching myself. Then I get even more confused, and start thinking, well maybe this isn’t even a real life, that I’m someone’s dream, or collection of dreams. Maybe I’m actually dead, and this is what dead people see…a continuation of what their life would have been like, had they lived on. Maybe I did kill myself in an overdose. Maybe I’m asleep, stuck in a perpetual world of alternate realities. Maybe I’m lying in a hospital bed, sedated, and these are the weird dreams I’m having in that drug-induced state.

Date:	2005-08-01 19:34
Subject:
Security:	Public
Mood:	touched
Music:	Thirty Whacks ~ Dresden Dolls

You always make me smile

Date:	2005-08-01 17:56
Subject:	....
Security:	Public
Mood:	sad

( (where did you come from) )

Date:	2005-08-01 14:34
Subject:	I've just discovered the music of The Dresden Dolls
Security:	Public
Mood:	okay
Music:	Spiral Dance ~ Tulku

thirty licks with a belt - playing tricks on myself
and i wonder if everyone else is this way
a succession of tests a triumphant success
each time it’s still intact at the end of the day

thirty drops in a glass - keep my temper and pass
with my breath held you bastards i’ll get you! but then -
its not really so bad, there’s still mom there’s still
damage to do before they wrest the axe from my heads

its no mystery: you should obviously go
before i break everything
you’re always telling me that you're dying to know
but you’re not really listening

how do i manage to station myself in harm's way
and only get hit with a ticket for loitering
that i have no means to pay - and no strength to argue
the voices are infesting up through the floorboards and they’re
murmuring murder me
if i could shut them out just for an hour i swear
i could stop this catastrophe

thirty day guarantee
but that can’t include me
after all i’m at home in this childproof world
no sharp corners or glass
no small objects or plastic bags
please, these are death to a delicate girl

its no mystery - you should obviously know
that i’ll destroy everything
so don't keep telling me that you're dying to know
cause you’ll get what you're asking for

how can it be that i still put myself in harm's way
and only get hit with a ticket for loitering
that i have no means to pay - what kind of place is this?
now all the voices are screaming this just isnt fair
but i’ve got a fool proof plan
if i can get them alone for an hour i swear
it’ll look like an accident
i could be decent yet
i’ll make up for everything
i could be president

Date:	2005-08-01 13:09
Subject:	Ack! My poor mouth :-(
Security:	Public
Mood:	hungry
Music:	Broken ~ Seether Ft. Amy Lee

I've got trench mouth :-(

If you want to be specific, I've got Acute Ulcerative Necrotising Gingivitis.

It doesn't matter how you look at it, it's just plain nasty. The dentist used some tool to clean under my gum line. I don't know what it was, but it felt like he was drilling holes into my mouth. It was painful. Seventy-three dollars to have that done. I scored a pretty spiffy toothbrush though from him. He was an awfully young dentist - he looked about 26 - 27 max. He was nice though.

Anyway, I found a nice poem - short, but sweet.

A Tear Fell

I shed a tear today
Silently, I felt it fall
You caught it
shared it
held it
felt it
then
suddenly
it wasn't
so big
after all

Marge Tindal

I've avoided writing in here the past couple of days...nothing I wrote seemed to come out right, and I hate not being able to articulate what I'm feeling. I need to write from my heart, and not my head. I have a habit, sometimes, of over-analysing. Other times though, I do the complete opposite, and don't think things through enough.

A large part of my life has been consumed by feelings of anger, depression, and emptiness...and being alone. Despite having people around me, I always felt alone. I have trouble connecting to people, mainly out of fear of being hurt. During my time of being 'unwell', I learnt a lot of things. I learnt that not everyone is out to hurt me. I've been fortunate, during that time, to have the chance to meet and work with some of the most amazingly awesome people. Not only did they offer support, but an unconditional love that is rarely found. These people helped pick me up off the ground when I didn't feel strong enough to do that myself. They were unbelievable towers of strength and encouragment. They still are. I still find myself turning to them when everything else in life is going terrible.

Then, every once in a while, someone comes along who is unlike anyone else you've ever met. Someone from the same 'soul pool'. Someone who has such a raw honesty that is difficult to find. I'd love more than anything to be able to hold him right now, to show him how much he means to me. We've only been chatting over the net for a week, but already, I feel so much for him. My gut feelings haven't lied to me in the past, so I know that they're not going to this time. He is an amazing friend, and I just hope he understands how much he really does mean to me. One day, we'll meet - and that will just be the most awesome thing ever.



On another note - MY MOUTH IS KILLING ME! I've got appointments at both a dentist and a GP tomorrow morning, so hopefully one of them may be able to work out what's going on. I've got some people telling me it's from not brushing properly, but that's not true. I brush very well, and mouth wash, and floss. Other people are telling me it could be a vitamin deficiency, so I did some research. Apparently, a deficiency of vitamin C or K can cause bleeding from the gums. A vitamin deficiency could well be the case, because I tend to not absorb vitamins very well. Another possible scenario is that I could have Leukaemia, but I highly doubt that I do. It would have shown up in one of the many blood tests I've had in the not too distant past.

I've been biting on my thumb since my mouth started having problems, I've noticed...it somehow relieves the pain - much like a teething baby chews on those teething rings, I'm guessing.

Here is something that I've always loved reading -

Desiderata

Go Placidly amid the noise and the haste
And remember what peace there may be in silence.
As far as possible, without surrender, be on good terms with all persons.
Speak your truth quietly and clearly
And listen to others. Even to the dull and the ignorant. They too have their story.
Avoid loud and aggressive persons, they are vexations to the spirit.
If you compare yourself with others, you may become vain or bitter. For always there will be greater and lesser persons than yourself.
Enjoy your achievements as well as your plans.
Keep interested in your own career, however humble; it is a real possession in the changing fortunes of time.
Exercise caution in your business affairs, for the world is full of trickery. But let this not blind you to what virtue there is; many persons strive for high ideals. And everywhere life is full of heroism.
Be yourself.
Especially do not feign affection.
Neither be cynical about love; for in the face of all aridity and disenchantment it is as perennial as the grass.
Take kindly the counsel of the years, gracefully surrendering the things of youth.
Nurture strength of spirit to shield you in sudden misfortune. But do not distress yourself with dark imaginings. Many fears are born of fatigue and loneliness.
Beyond a wholesome discipline, Be gentle with yourself.
You are a child of the universe no less than the trees and the stars; you have a right to be here.
And whether or not it is clear to you, no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should.
Therefore be at peace with God, whatever you conceive Him to be.
And whatever your labors and aspirations, In the noisy confusion of life, keep peace in your soul.
With all its sham, drudgery and broken dreams, it is still a beautiful world.
Be cheerful.
Strive to be Happy.

Date:	2005-07-29 20:58
Subject:	I love this song
Security:	Public
Mood:	listless
Music:	Breathe (2am) ~ Anna Nalick

Breathe (2am)

2 Am and she calls me cause I'm still awake

Can you help me unravel my latest mistake

I don't love him and winter just wasn't my season.

Yea we walk through the doors so accusing their eyes

Like they have any right at all to criticize

Hypocrites you're all here for the very same reason.



Cause you can't jump the track

We're like cars on a cable and life's like an hourglass glued to the table,

No one can find the rewind button girl

So just cradle your head in your hands.

And breathe, just breathe, whoa breathe just breathe



May he turned 21 on the base of Fort Bliss

Just today he sat down to the flask in his fist

Ain't been sober since maybe October of last year

Here in town you can tell he's been down for while

But my God it's so beautiful when the boy smiles

Wanna hold him but maybe I'll just sing about it



Cause you can't jump the track

We're like cars on a cable

And life's like an hourglass glued to the table,

No one can find the rewind button boys so cradle your head in your hands

And breathe, just breathe, whoa breath just breathe



There's a light at the end of this tunnel you shout cause you're just as far in as you'll ever be out

And these mistakes you've made

You'll just make them again if you'll only try turnin' around



2Am and I'm still awake writing this song

If i get it all down on paper it's no lonmger inside of me threaten' the life it belongs to.

And I feel like I'm naked in front of the crowd

Cause these words are my diary screamin' out aloud

And I know that you'll use them however you want to.



But you can't jump the track

We're like cars on a cable

And life's like an hourglass glued to the table,

No one can find the rewind button now

Sing it if you understand...yeah breath

Just breathe, ohho breathe

Anna Nalick

It was one of those days when it's a minute away from snowing and there's this electricity in the air, you can almost hear it.
And this bag was, like, dancing with me.
Like a little kid begging me to play with it.
For fifteen minutes.
And that's the day I knew there was this entire life behind things, and... this incredibly benevolent force, that wanted me to know there was no reason to be afraid, ever.
Video's a poor excuse, I know.
But it helps me remember... and I need to remember...

Sometimes there's so much beauty in the world I feel like I can't take it, like my heart's going to cave in.

Date:	2005-07-28 15:47
Subject:	I love this poem
Security:	Public
Mood:	bored
Music:	Breathe (2am) ~ Anna Nalick

Invictus

Out of the night that covers me
Black as a Pit from pole to pole
I thank whatever gods may be
For my unconquerable soul
In the fell clutch of circumstance
I have not winced nor cried aloud
Under the bludgeonings of chance
My head is bloody, but unbowed.
Beyond this place of wrath and tears
Looms but the horror of the shade
And yet the menace of the years
Finds, and shall find me, unafraid
It matters not how strait the gate
How charged with punishments the scroll
I am the master of my fate
I am the Captain of my soul

William Earnest Hemley

Date:	2005-07-28 14:01
Subject:	Reflecting...
Security:	Public
Mood:	indifferent
Music:	Angel of Mine ~ Monica

Studying the obvious can offer the obscure,

The illuminated implicate the illusive,

The similar simplify the strange,

The usual unveil the uncanny.

For the observant the "ordinary" can offer the unorthodox,

And the world can become a window to the wondrous.