is_today_monday

Hey guys, hope things are going as well as can be expected for everyone. I've been away for the past few days/week, not likely to have been noticed, since I'm still establishing myself here. I just need to get some of this week.

I found out last Wednesday that one of my closest friends committed suicide. I was absolutely shattered. I wasn't expecting it, and felt guilty because a few weeks previously, he'd been really hassling me to go visit him (I live interstate) but I didn't, because of my dosing schedule (ball and chain more like it). Anyway, told him I'd come in a few weeks. He didn't make it that long though. There was no indication whatsoever that this was on his mind, which is often the case. I know I shouldn't be feeling responsible, but everyone does feel that when something like this happens. The head and heart are too very different things sometimes!

The funeral is tomorrow, and I'm upset that I won't make it. I'm going to set up my own little memorial for him here, just with me. I'm also getting a tattoo in rememberance of him, and I have a few other ideas floating around in my head.

I found out how he did it. It sounds stupid, but I feel slightly more at peace knowing his death was the most peaceful way to go, no pain felt at all. He basically just fell into a coma and then died. Small comfort, though.

Anyway, feeling very sensitive at the moment, and keeping myself busy. Going on a mini holiday (three days) with a couple of friends. Need a bit of time out.

Sorry this is so long, but I just have one more thing. I haven't been sleeping since my friend's passing, so I went to a dodgy doctor here and told him a story that was about 80% truth and 20% bullshit (I don't lie, I just willfully participate in campaigns of misinformation!). I Managed to get a script for 50 x 2mg Xanax, plus a repeat. Now that I'm in the door too, I'll be able to get scripted with it in the future. My main priority was getting some sleep, but fuck, I'd be a liar if I said I wasn't keen on the recreational aspect also - I am a junkie, after all!

Tonight my friend and I are having a 'pharma-party'

Thanks for reading, if you got this far - I know it turned into some sort of long epic novel, but it's certainly been a long (horrible) epic week.

Namaste

Opilover

Sorry to hear about your friend,,just remember it isn't your fault,,he probably had his mind already made he was gonna do it..you ways of memorial is cool each person grieve their own way,,a Tatt would be a very lasting memory...Take Care

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bronyraur

Wow. Sorry to hear about the loss of your friend, I_T_M.

Not much more to say, no one should have to deal with the suicide of a loved one.

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GoddessofRATs

Monday- I just want to say that i know you feel guilty for not visiting him but this isn't in anyway your fault. You can't control what other people do. Sounds like he would have done this without or without you visiting him but i can see how that would upset you, I'd be upset to but it's not your fault. At least you talked to him.

I'm very sorry for your loss. Suicide is very hard to deal with and most the time you never see it coming.

Please take some comfort in knowing we are here for you if you need to talk.

Take care,
GOR

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I-Nod

A tat is a great way to memorialize somebody. Hope you find peace in your head and heart soon i_t_m. Be safe and be well...& hope things start looking up soon enough!

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dirtdog

Monday-Don't blame yourself. You had no idea.
A tattoo sounds neat. I dont have one so I dont really relate there.
Take it easy and its good he went quietly.
Have fun with your little party.

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jersey_emt

I'm so sorry for your loss, Monday. I've been through similar situations, and I know how hard it is to accept the fact that you are not responsible. I won't say the overused and oftentimes grossly inaccurate statement 'I know what you are going through', as I do not. Everybody is different, and even though I have been through similar situations, I do not know exactly what you are thinking. In my case, I thoughts things like, 'If I only had listened to him', 'If I only had talked to him about it', and other similar thoughts. One thing I can say with certainty is that in time, despite how dark it may seem, things do get better.

Hang in there, and don't be afraid to seek any help that you may need -- losing a close friend is hard enough, but when you feel even the least bit responsible for it, it is oftentimes much more than one can handle by yourself.

My thoughts are with you.

is_today_monday

Thanks for the support you are all giving. I've been staying with friends since I found out last week, didn't really want to spend time alone at home, you know?

My mate and I have had a xanax pharma-party since last night. Have been absolutely maggot for the past 24 hours. Sure makes time fly quickly when you don't remember being in it! Oh, I do love my drugs. Opies first, benzos come a very close second.

Once again, thanks for your kind words. It's really nice when you're a relatively unknown member of a forum and people do give a shit. I appreciate it muchly.

Take care, all.

Jade

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is_today_monday

Hi there, all,

I haven't been online for a while - basically been so smashed on Xanax for the past two weeks that I can hardly remember anything, am covered in bruises from going arse over cunt all the time and have burnt a shit load of bridges with friends (friends?).

Went away with some 'mates' for the weekend. Long story short, I said some hurtful things to people, which I have no memory of, having taking the usual handful of xanax that evening. They're not willing to tell me what I did/said, I can't apologise for it all, and I've been banned from this place I go to called Clubhouse (a world-wide organisation for people who have experienced mental health issues). The ban is only for two weeks, but right now, I need all the support I can get, and that's my only real one. Also, the bitches are spreading malicious rumours about me to other members there, so I have people hating me who weren't even there for the get-away! I'm absolutely devastated about this, and on top of the suicide of my closest friend, I am really struggling to not follow the same route. I found out how he did it, and it turns out I have a contact with the exact same thing. Don't worry, I'm not going to do anything, it's just tough, you know? It's not getting any easier, I keep getting smashed like a maggot on the xannies, just to keep from doing anything stupid or fucking up my Suboxone programme. One condition though is that I use NO benzos while on it, but I told them and they're being a bit softer on me right now.

Once again, I'm sorry this is getting long. I'm just having a horrible time, and have very little support my way.

I'm grateful for this forum every day though!

chopstix

I lost my best friend to suicide in 94. He told me he was gonna do it, we were both strung out, I asked wtf was I supposed to do? What was I supposed to do? Babysit him? Hold his hand and escort him to the psych ward? I offered all the help I could, which unfortunately wasn't a lot at the time considering my jobless, un-skilled, broke, junky, thieving self wasn't exactly in control of my own life. He told his girlfriend it was her fault. I've never seen so much damage inflicted through words. Absolutely devastating. His family was so distraught that there was no wake, no funeral, just cremation and a cardboard box. And that was all.. This was all a few months after his sister flipped out on ice and stabbed her 4 year old son to death and then stabbed herself and jumped off of a second story balcony.

Methamphetamine - great stuff. I think she gets out of prison this year.. I digress..

I'm sorry about your loss. I've been through a couple of other suicides, one person I was fairly close to but hadn't known that long, and another whom I knew but wasn't very close to. The last two were when I was a teenager so it's been awhile.

My current perspective on it is that it's an incomprehensibly selfish act. I've never seen such devastation. They talk about stages of grief, I can't seem to get past anger and disgust and it's been over 10 years. I don't know if this helps you an ounce, it probably helps me more just by venting..

You should flush that fucking Xanax and get some ambien. I hate benzos for recreational usage because of the blackout factor. They're great for potentiating and they turned me into SuperThief when I was a booster, aside from that, good for sleep, blackouts and a habit that makes opiate addicts look like a little kid who misses his legos.

I'm really sorry for your loss. Sounds like it might not be the best time to be eating handfuls of Xanax though, even if they are good for numbing emotions you've obviously seen the darker side and that's only the beginning..

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is_today_monday

I was so unbelievably angry when I found out he had done it - he couldn't have done anything more selfish. It's a continual cycle between fury and being absolutely gutted.

About the Xanax, I've had a benzo addiction before, when I was 16-17. First addiction I had, and needed medical help to detox off the shit. I'm nearly out of them, and I know someone who will pay me $100 for 20 pills, so there goes half the bottle already. I have a feeling I'm already going to have some trouble stopping; we all know addiction doesn't start again, just picks up where it left off.

Thanks for the reply though

P.S - Ambien (Stilnox) doesn't agree with me - I end up booting the bastards and end up in an even worse state. I need to get off these Xannies, get some grief therapy, and refocus on my maintenance programme.

Don't you love how, if things are going to go badly, they happen all at once, or not far from it. Fuck!

chopstix

Yeah, I have yet to really get past that point. I go through periods of acceptance (denial?) and then suddenly revert back into pure anger over it. For me it's hard because I know it was the hopeless feeling that comes from opiate usage and withdrawal and I knew from previous experience that it's temporary, he wasn't going to feel like that forever, he was new to heroin and couldn't see past the temporary chemical emotional effects. People lose foresite, life shifts and changes, we all struggle whether or not we're drug addicts.. Life's a bitch but suicide isn't the answer. I think there are exceptions but that it's rare, especially in young people..

Sounds like you know the drill with the benzos. Check out benzo.org.uk if you get in over your head..

Hang in there, suicide fucking sucks.

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slugbone

yes its a kick in the balls when a close friend passes on. then we survivors are left to pick up the pieces. we all are here for support, even if we may not truly understand your pain.

kyuss

Hang in there Bro.
Suicide is a strange animal,
I've had friends and close relatives
decide to leave the game.
It's very hard on us left behind
but maybe your friend is now at peace.
Sometimes people just run out of steam.

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