(Where did you come from)

...Or, according to my drug-using friends, my name is not Jade, it is in fact Jade The Junkie.

That's how everyone in my life knows me now. I've destroyed so many relationships, and the ones I have left are hanging from a very delicate string.

I thought the opiates were what fucked me up. Heroin/Morphine addiction isn't pleasant, and neither is the detox process, but I did it. I did a month in rehab, but it just wasn't for me. My motivations for being there weren't right anyway. It was just easier to go to rehab after detox than come home and face people and try to find somewhere to live.

Left rehab, was clean for a while. Started drinking a bit, but since I hate drinking, it wasn't really much of an issue. Then I moved into a boarding house and there was a guy there into the amphetamines. I couldn't say no, they were on offer and I took them. I never even liked amphetamines in the past, but I figured as long as I stayed away from the opiates, I'd be ok. Now amphetamines ARE my life.. not just a part of it. Lost contact with the guy when he skipped bail, but it didn't take me long to find new contacts, with better gear than ever. I started hitting the gear before Christmas, and the most I've been clean since then is about four days, max. At first, a $100AU bag would last me two days. Now I'm lucky if $300AU of the shit lasts me more than 12 hours. It seems like I'm just constantly booting up. Even as I'm booting, I'm already thinking about when I'll have my next hit, how long this will last before I need more, how I'll get more money when I inevitably run out of that and drugs, how I'll cover up how totally scattered and messed up I am to others around me...

My health is suffering - I've developed an arrhythmia that is a bit concerning, I always have skin that is breaking out, holes in myself from where I compulsively pick for hours and hours. I look like shit.. but I just can't.. won't.. stop. It puts a buffer between anything that is likely to trigger any emotion and my brain. By the time feelings get to me, they have been so diluted and blurred that I feel nothing about it. As a result, I've done some horrible things to people, done many unlawful thing - stuff I would never do under clean conditions - but I don't care. At the time, these things aren't right or wrong, they just ARE.. if that makes any sense.

I've lost nearly everyone and everything. This was never going to be part of who I was. When I was 16, I told my mum that I would NEVER, EVER, EVER do drugs.. left home a few months later and turned into a little benzo junkie, which just progressed from there.

The other night I had a wisdom tooth out. The dentist wouldn't give me anything to relieve the pain, given my drug history. I was in agony - then I got a phone call. I went from claiming I was never going to move off the couch again, I was in so much pain, to setting off on a journey across town five seconds later to go pick up some morphine.

Booted the morph, taking into account my lowered tolerance to opiates. Didn't take that into account quite enough, and had myself absolutely smacked out and sick.. not that I cared about being sick. I was more worried that I just wouldn't make it to the toilet on time.

Was backpaid today, $270 - all of that was spent in about half an hour on speed and coke. I have no money until I actually get paid on Tuesday, which is significantly more. No prizes for guessing where that'll go...

At the moment I'm scattering out a bit. It's been about 45 minutes since my last shot.. if my dad could just see me like this.. it would break his fucking heart. I'm not even going to bother going to bed, since I'm supposed to be going to the beach tomorrow. I'm getting picked up at 7:30am, so there's just no point in sleeping. I'll feel worse after one hour of sleep than I do on days without it.

I'm sorry this turned into such a long, epic ramble. I'm on the gear, and I have noone to talk to, especially at this hour, so yeah..

Just so fucking messed up.

I decided this was brilliant, and I wanted to put it into my journal, because it's relevent to my life. In the later half of last year, about September, I came out to one person as lesbian. I knew she was gay, from a couple of things that she'd said previous. She's actually a staff member for a social/vocational mental health rehabilitation place I go to.. anyway, she provided critical support for me in my coming out, and still provides that in day to day life. I live in a town full of conservative, prudish people who would burn gays at the stake if they could get away with it. That is seriously no joke. Hardly anyone here is out, and those who are soon move away to more gay friendly cities. I've since gained the confidence to not hide who I am - if someone asks, I will tell them. That said though, I've lost a lot of people around me who just can't accept that, for reasons of religion, or just plain homophobia. It's frustrating, to say the least - most people just assume I'm gay anyway, apparently I have that 'look' about me.. I can't even be seen hanging out with a female friend without people assuming that we're together. I feel sorry for my friends who have to put up with them too. It's one thing being called homosexual-related names when you are indeed homosexual.. it's another thing to be called those when you're not. I was at an ATM with a friend a few weeks ago when a couple of guys walked up behind us, said rather loudly 'fucking lesbians' then walked off again. My reply? 'LOUD AND PROUD, DARLINGS'. I'm not about to closet myself again though - as I once read, 'I'd rather be hated for who I am, than liked for someone I'm not'.



Against homophobia

I am the girl kicked out of her home because I confided in my mother that I am a lesbian.
I am the prostitute working the streets because nobody will hire a transsexual woman.
I am the sister who holds her gay brother tight through the painful, tear-filled nights.
We are the parents who buried our daughter long before her time.
I am the man who died alone in the hospital because they would not let my partner of twenty-seven years into the room.
I am the foster child who wakes up with nightmares of being taken away from the two fathers who are the only loving family I have ever had. I wish they could adopt me.
I am one of the lucky ones, I guess. I survived the attack that left me in a coma for three weeks, and in another year I will probably be able to walk again.
I am not one of the lucky ones. I killed myself just weeks before graduating high school. It was simply too much to bear.
We are the couple who had the realtor hang up on us when she found out we wanted to rent a one-bedroom for two men.
I am the person who never knows which bathroom I should use if I want to avoid getting the management called on me.
I am the mother who is not allowed to even visit the children I bore, nursed, and raised. The court says I am an unfit mother because I now live with another woman.
I am the domestic-violence survivor who found the support system grow suddenly cold and distant when they found out my abusive partner is also a woman.
I am the domestic-violence survivor who has no support system to turn to because I am male.
I am the father who has never hugged his son because I grew up afraid to show affection to other men.
I am the home-economics teacher who always wanted to teach gym until someone told me that only lesbians do that.
I am the man who died when the paramedics stopped treating me as soon as they realized I was transsexual.
I am the person who feels guilty because I think I could be a much better person if I didn't have to always deal with society hating me.
I am the man who stopped attending church, not because I don't believe, but because they closed their doors to my kind.
I am the person who has to hide what this world needs most, love.

Repost this if you believe homophobia is wrong.

Today has been the day for broken hearts.. both literally and figuratively... Was in the waiting room of my doctor today when I received a lovely text message from my girlfriend saying, 'Jade, I have feelings for my friend' - the ironic part about it? I was at the doctor for heart problems that I've been having, damage done as a result of extremely heavy amphetamine abuse, damage that is still continuing even though I haven't used for a couple of days because my heart is beating at such a high rate, constantly. I wake up with it like that. I go to bed like that. What's even more fucked up is that it's a catch 22. My asthma has been really bad - the inhalers make my heart beat faster, it's just a side effect - but my heart can't handle the strain... so basically, my doctor said it's a toss up between more complications with my heart, or an asthma attack.. wow.. what a choice.

It's been a real shit of a day.. can you tell?

Now I just want to go use, get on the gear, because at least I won't feel like shit.. but then I really run the risk of dropping dead.. to be honest though, I wouldn't mind too much.

I'd all but forgotten about this stupid journal - I have no idea why I'm bothering to even update it now, but it's almost 7:30am and I haven't been to bed yet, so I'm getting kind of bored. There are only so many hours you can keep yourself entertained with wiki-loops.

What's been happening with me.. Fuck, it's just been totally hectic. Given that I don't even know when my last entry was, I have no idea where I pick up from. Basically, ended up with an intense smack habit, put myself through detox, then went to rehab for a month because I just couldn't be arsed coming back home (was in another city for detox) to look for somewhere to live and face people. Rehab was just fucked.

Stayed clean and not so serene for a few months, then moved into this house with another drug user, he was into the amphetamines. I always hated amphetamines in the past, but they were there, and I just can't say no to drugs. That was a couple of weeks before christmas, and I'm going harder than ever. I have to use every couple of hours because I just get so scattered and fucked that I can't even function on a minimum level. Have lost heaps of weight, which is good, and I have the most insane asthma attacks, because my heart and lungs are getting fucked - not to mention the state of my mental health. Drugs are destroying, but I just don't care enough to stop. I'm driving myself into the ground so hard - people I'm in contact with regularly are convinced that drugs will the death of me, sooner rather than later. Pretty fucked up. As I write this, I'm starting to scat out again. Have an appointment in an hour, so I really need to get my shit together soon.

Am supposed to be signing the lease for a unit today, but everyone is thinking that I'm not well enough, and are trying to push me to go into supported accommodation. Fuck that shit. My friend in England wants to pay for me to go over there for my birthday, and then come back here in May with her (she grew up in my home town here).I don't know though. I don't think I'm in any physical or mental state to make the flight, let alone spend a couple of months in a country I've never been to.

Anyway, my arms are tired just from typing this short entry, because I just have absolutely nothing left. I'm running on empty. I'm surviving on my shots every little while to keep me going - I have to wonder how much longer I can last doing this. I've destroyed so many relationships and opportunities over the past year, especially the past six months. It's devastating.

Hi.. my name's Jade and I'm an addict...

HI JADE!

Right..

I'm so exhausted. I've been getting hardly any sleep for ages now. When I do sleep, I get about three hours, max, and then it's filled with terrible nightmares. I've been such a mess lately. I don't show it though. Few people can actually pick up the signs that say that, no, I'm not ok. Austin asked me today if I've been cutting - I had to tell him the truth. It's getting to the point where I'm just too drained, emotionally and physically, to have the energy to hurt myself. I know that won't stop me though. If I'm not self-harming, I'm bombing myself out on opiates. I'm always sick, my wounds won't heal, despite some of them being over three months old, I have awful bone pains. I just feel like shit. My old counsellor told me to just give the mental health service the flick, and stop taking my meds. She should know better - it's just not as simple as that. If I stop taking my meds, I run the risk of being placed under another Involuntary Treatment Order. I'm not ready to give the service the flick anyway. As much as they are a bunch of dickheads most of the time, Austin is at least bearable, and is somewhat helpful. At the very least, he's someone for me to vent to. He's concerned about me at the moment, because he's going to be away next week, and I will have fully come off the mood stabiliser. It was making my hair fall out rather severely. He's worried that I'm going to have a big manic episode. Even with the mood stabiliser, I develop traits of mania at times, just not a full-blown episode. If I start cycling again, I'll have to go on Lithium, which I don't really want. I don't really want to be hitting the highs and lows all the time either, so I'd rather take it than put up with all of that again.

As for other news - I'm planning on getting a new tattoo. Not sure what of yet. I'm thinking maybe a gecko on my foot, or some lettering. I don't know what words I want. I have a few things in mind. I just need to get some money together. Have to pay my share of the electricity bill next week.

Yes, I'm a thief - I stole this from someone's journal.

1. When you look at yourself in the mirror, what's the first thing you look at? My eyes, to see if they are any more bloodshot

2. How much cash do you have on you right now? $54.85

3. What's a word that rhymes with "TEST"? Uh, breast! (I'm not perverted, I swear)

4. Favorite plant? Gerbera

5. Who is the 4th person on your missed call list on your cell phone? Aaron

6. What is your main ring tone on your phone? Chill - very funky

7. What shirt are you wearing? My BMEzine t-shirt over another long sleeved shirt

8. Do you "label" yourself? Probably 'freak'

9. Name brand of your shoes currently wearing? None

10. Do you prefer a bright or dark room? Dark

11. What did you have for breakfast? Ham, cheese and tomato toasted sandwich

12. Since question 12 is weirdly missing, make some shit up. Americans don't know how to speak proper English

13. What were you doing at midnight last night? Reading

14. What did your last text message you received on your cell phone say? 'You have 4 new voice messages - please call 321' or some shit like that.

15. Do you ever click on "Pop Ups" or Banners? I don't get Pop Ups

17. Who told you they loved you last? Oliver (bleh!)

18. Last furry thing you touched? Harley, my cat

19. How many hours a week do you work? None, I'm a bum

20. How many rolls of film do you need to get developed? Probably a couple, but I use a digi-cam now, so I'm not going to bother

21. Favorite age you have been so far? 17, I guess, if I really have to choose

22. Your worst enemy? Myself

23. What is your current desk top picture? Black and white Angelina Jolie wallpaper.

24. What was the last thing you said to someone? 'Would you like a toasted sandwich?'

25. If you had to choose between a million bucks or to be able to go back in time and fix all your mistakes which would you choose? I'd take the money - why change the past? You may as well make the most of the future.

Tonight has been so shitty. I cut. Three deep long gashes on my inner arm. I was tempted to go for the artery, since I know where that is. I just have the follow the scar that's already along it. My housemate threatened to 'bash my fucking head in'. I threw my laptop. At least it didn't break. I've taken a heap of pills too - not enough to overdose on (believe me, the temptation is there), but enough to wipe me out in about fifteen minutes time. I fucking hate it here. Steve doesn't give a shit. He says he's sorry all the time, but then he just goes and does the same fucking shit again. He doesn't care. Hardly anyone does. I can accept that fact. How can anyone care about me, when I don't give a shit about myself?

My psychologist is going to be so unhappy with me. She really hates it when I cut - says it 'disturbs her'. She's a great psych, and I'm really happy to be working with her, but she doesn't understand either. I'm not going to tell her about it. It's best that she doesn't know.

I still want to cut. I had to cut over scars tonight. There's no room left on my arm. I guess I could always cut my right arm more, but that would wreck my tattoos. One of the reasons why I got my tattoos there was so I wouldn't be tempted to destroy that arm as well.

sigh

Will this shit never fucking end? It doesn't seem like it.

I just got out of the psychiatric ward, once again. I was put in under an involuntary treatment order (ITO). I went completely off the rails - wouldn't eat, drink or take my meds. As a result, I was threatened with force feeding. Because of the ITO, they can do that to me. I was also forced to be injected with anti-psychotics for not taking my medication. I'm not fucking psychotic, and I told them that. My case manager said it's to sedate my anger and impulsiveness, and to help with the dissociation. My drug psychologist said I shouldn't be on anti-psychotics, because I didn't need them. I'm still under the ITO...if I start misbehaving again, I'm straight back in the ward. I spent a night in High Dependency on suicide watch. They took my shoe laces and made me take out my fucking industrial barbell. Now I can't get it back in. Stupid fuckers! I made some good friends in there though, so that was alright. We had good groups as well, so it wasn't all bad.

[Name] Jade
[Nickname] Jade
[Screen name] soulstorm, Souler Eclipse
[Birthday] 20th March, 1986
[Age] 19
[Astrological sign] Pisces/Aries
[Location] Australia
[Sexual Preference] No-one
[Eye color] Blue
[Height] Between 5ft 2
[Shoe size] 9

[Parents still together] Yes
[Siblings] 1 sister
[Pets] A cat, Harley, and two budgies, Lily and Billy
[In school/graduated] Neither


Favorites:
[Color] Anything dark
[Number] 17
[Animal] Cats, turtles, polar bears...the list goes on
[Flower/Plant] Gerbera
[Scent] Frangapani, Krishna Musk
[Drinks] Juice
[Soda] Root Beer
[Band] Goo Goo Dolls, Live, Evanescence, Counting Crows
[Song] Too many to name - at the moment though it would be 'Vermillion Pt 2' ~ Slipknot


Do you...
[Color your hair?] Yes
[Have tattoos?] Yes, four
[Have Piercings?] Yes - industrial, inner conch, 1" lobes, navel, lip, septum, nose, tongue x 4
[Have a boyfriend/girlfriend/both?] No
[Cheat on tests/homework?] I used to cheat for homework sometimes
[Drink/Smoke?] I hardly drink, and I never smoke.
[Like roller coasters?] Love them!
[Wish you could live somewhere else?] Sometimes
[Want more piercings?] I've already exhausted all the possibilities of piercings (for me) over the years
[Like cleaning?] Hate it!
[Swear a lot?] Like a fucking trooper
[Know how to drive?] Not very well
[Own a cell phone?] Yes


Have you ever...
[Gotten a speeding ticket?] No
[Been in a wreck?] No
[Been arrested?] Almost
[Been in a fist fight?] Several of them, actually
[Kicked someone in the nuts?] I would never do that.
[Stolen anything?] Yeah...I used to be a right little klepto
[Held a gun?] An old german gun from World War 1
[Drank?] Yes
[Considered a life of crime?] Hmmm...never really thought about it.
[Considered being a hooker?] No...not good enough looking for that.
[Cheated on someone?] No
[Cried over a girl?] Yes
[Cried over a boy?] Yes
[Lied to someone?] Would I ever lie? I have, in the past.
[Been in love?] Yes
[Fallen for your best friend?] Kind of
[Made out with JUST a friend?] Yes
[Been rejected?] Plenty of times
[Been in lust?] Not too often
[Used someone?] I don't think so
[Been used?] I guess
[Been cheated on?] Yes
[Been kissed?] Yes :-)


Do you...
[Do drugs?] Story of my life :-D
[Have a dream that keeps coming back?] Yes
[Believe there is life on other planets?] Definitely
[Remember your first love?] Yes, how could I forget?
[Read the newspaper?] No, because I couldn't be bothered paying to get it
[Have any gay or lesbian friends?] Yes...well, used to
[Believe in miracles?] Hmm...kind of doubtful
[Believe it's possible to remain faithful forever?] Yes
[Consider yourself tolerant of others?] Not particularly
[Consider love a mistake?] I don't know
[Have a favorite candy?] First of all, it's not candy, it's LOLLIES, and I like most kinds
[Believe in magic?] Not really
[Believe in God?] Not really
[Do well in school?] If I 'put my mind to it and ask for help when I need it', according to my teachers.
[Go to or plan to go to college?] Uni
[Hate yourself?] Usually
[Have an obsession?] I have too many obsessions
[Have a secret crush?] Perhaps
[Do they know yet?] Np
[Collect anything?] Junk
[Have a best friend?] Not really
[Close friends?] A couple
[Like your handwriting?] Not really
[Care about looks?] No


Love life...
[First crush] Preschool
[First kiss] A peck on the cheek from my boyfriend in Preschool
[Single or attached?] Single
[Ever been in love?] Yes
[Do you believe in love at first sight?] Yes
[Do you believe in "the one?"] No. I believe that every person has many soulmates.
[Have you ever played a game that required removal of clothing?] Yes
[Are you a tease?] Can be
[Shy to make the first move?] Usually


Are you a...
[Wuss] Depends on the situation
[Druggy] Yes, and I wouldn't change it at the moment
[Daydreamer] Yeah
[Freak] Very much so
[Dork] Again, very much so
[Bitch/Asshole] I can be a HUGE bitch
[Sarcastic] Extremely
[Angel] No
[Shy] At times
[Talkative] At times

Just spent a couple of days in the psych unit. My case manager, Austin, and I thought it would be best if I had a little bit of time out. They threatened to put me in as an involuntary patient if I didn't agree to take my medication properly. I didn't want that to happen, I wanted to be in control of my admission, so I said I'd take it. After a couple of days, I'd had enough and spoke to Austin about getting discharged. I had a pretty alright medical consultant, who let me out. I got my cuts stitched up. The emergency room doctor who sutured me looked like the lead singer from Nickelback. Dead ringer actually.

I'm feeling ok at the moment. I think my time in hospital, although short, helped me to get things back in some sort of control. My ATODS psychologist came to visit me in the ward, which was nice. It gets kind of lonely in there...even though most of the people in the particular unit I was in were VERY in your face. Just part of their disorders I guess.

I had to take Harley to the vet this morning. He got into a fight with another cat and got pretty beaten up. Steve and I were worried that he'd get infections where he was clawed, so we took him in for a check up. The vet gave him an anti-inflammatory injection, and gave us a broad-spectrum anti-biotic for him to take for a few days.

I know it's been so long since I updated. I'm going to try harder from now on to write more often.

I got told the most beautiful thing today -

'Well I am here for you and I'm not going anywhere-- you can push me away but I'll fight back to be there for you- and IM you like crazy til you talk to me, love'.

That almost made me cry. It made me realise that despite all the cruel people in the world, the ones who want to deliberately hurt others, there are some very beautiful, precious humans who just give out warmth and love without even knowing it. They put others before themselves, no matter how much they are hurting. I feel honoured to know such people.

A ? Accent: Australian
B - Breast size: B/C
C - Chore you hate: Ironing
D - Dad's name: Les
E - Essential make-up: Mascara
F - Favorite perfume: Taboo
G - Gold or Silver?: Silver.
H - Hometown: Toowoomba
I - Insomnia: Yes
J - Job title: Professional Bum
K - Kids: None
L - Living arrangements: Friend
M - Mum's birthplace: No Idea
N - Number of apples you've eaten today: None
O - Overnight hospital stays: Psych Uni
P - Phobia: Being sick, my bedroom at night
R - Religious affiliation: None
S - Siblings: Younger sister
T - Time you wake up: 9:30
U - Unnatural hair colors you've worn: Black, Red, Pink, Orange
V - Vegetable you refuse to eat: Pumpkin
W - Worst habit: Biting my nails.
X - X-rays you've had: Arm, teeth
Y - Yummy foods you make: Potato Bake
Z - Zodiac sign: Pisces/Aries

There, deleted.

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