*
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Take me where the high emotions run
I'll feel them at any cost, just to feel alive. To drain the emptiness and nothingness. Make me bleed, make me squirm, but don't let me cry out Press it harder, let it burn, Just don't fucking cry out. Cross out all those fucking exclamation marks, It my time now. Hand over the reigns while I lock you in your cage It's my life now. My body, my mind. Your soul is lost. Your heart destroyed. Your hope shattered. Shattered like your mirror. I'll take our reflection and engrave you I'll take your beauty stick and char you I'll run you down, leave you dazed Left alone to clean up my path of destruction. I'll abuse you. I'll creep up behind you And grab you around the throat. You'll love me. Obsess over me. I'll come to you when you shut your light off. You'll feel me swimming inside you I'll teach you, play games with you Tear your whole fucking world apart. I'll cut deeper every time. I'll explore new ways with you. I'll enter you body. I'll enter your mind I'll shut you in a cage, and all yours will be mine I'll make you cry, I'll make you beg. I'll make you feel. Feel the intensity. Feel the rush, the rapture racing through your veins. I'll take you there. Make you everything. I'll wrap you in a new world and then I'll drop you. I'll leave you stranded, I'll leave you isolated and begging for more. You'll be numb. You'll feel empty. You'll be nothing without me. Nothing can make you feel more alive than me. You'll run to me you'll call for me. You'll scratch at the door But I won't answer. You'll squirm and drown in your morbid world of torture. You'll spin. You'll spiral out of control without me. You'll long for me. You'll crave for me But I won't return. I'll leave you. I'll be gone from your mind But don't ever think I'll open your cage before I leave. You'll be trapped inside. I'll be gone - so who'll be driving? Who the fuck is driving?! |
(Continued)
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There she goes
Walking through her life her eyes shut her head down she can't see she can't hear you don't know you can't tell she smiles she dies she laughs she cries she hurts she cuts she cries she dies she dies no sleep no peace she comes you smile she sees it she can't feel it she knows you can't tell she knows she cries she cuts she touches she can't feel she dies she wants help but you can't she won't let you you can't understand never will never can never know she cuts she smiles the blood she feels she dies more more she faints she smiles the blood she's dead |
* | ||
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Clouds hanging over my head
watching everyone pour down blending my tears with their rain the pain is almost drowned all this shit pouring down on me bringing me down breaking me down beating me down again, again, again the rising rivers sweep me away gasping for air, struggling to breathe grasping at branches, swimming to shore then at last second, pulled under again numbness prevails, the blade seeps in deeper than expected and the red rivers run through my fingers, thickening, cooling reassuring, reaffirming, alarming, calming ease the shakiness, cutting while driving the floods disappearing I feel more sane I have nothing left to fear |
An empty prison
void of light energy radiating nothingness not warm not cool merely exists in a state of perpetual blandness and non-spirit can it be awakened by the rays of the sun or stirred by the glow of the stars? only goodness knows |
Into a hole
lined with black striped of red gushing the life force bleeding the earth fallen into nothingness on reaching to the cold air for a breath a voice a hand for help a ghost-full response which soon disappears and I'm left falling deeper into the dark fears of my soul |
* | ||
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"Die"
this order from my arm commands do I follow? where is it from? am I dead already? I cannot feel I am an empty body which screams out in pain |
My nightmares flow from emptiness
they fill the gaps they stretch me open my dreams hold all of my pain encompassing my fears I want to laugh I want to cry I want to do so many things but my hands are tied and my body's bound |
A helpless tear forms a forsaken sea
I have abandoned my faith, and my will stranded in the middle of the waters looking for a way to get out I have my feet up off the ground hoping for a new step I'm trying to open my eyes so the light will be seen ... I am waiting My life feels of disillusioned content grieving for the innocence I once knew tired of being patient I want to run, need to run ... I'm too exhausted cutting at the problem making the pain slow my aching tears giving me air to breathe deserted soul, scarred for life. mourning over all the mistakes ... I am bleeding pressure building up, hard to breathe keeping my eyes focused on what is real I can't tell the difference give my faith back! I want my own will! I am desperate |
* | ||
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Like colour to a blind man, so is my life
Meaningless absence of everything of worth death in the spiritual was the beginning death in the physical is only the finale I try to speak of this pain but silence pervades my every thought even those empty words I utter mirror the pain still deeper the Lord is with my soul yet mu soul resides far from me the redness of my blood shows I am still here not alive my heart may beet but without my soul I am meaningless meaningless, meaningless ... everything is meaningless. |
Hell could be worse than this.
I unroll my sleeve, leave my wrist alone... for now. |
Earthquake
tearing up a delicate path destroying all; shows no fear lava flowing melting, suffocating erupting from below the deep white canyon sprawled across skin hiding place for hate eruption; the release land, scarred for life hate subsides; shame the survivor. |
* | ||
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Death on a wistful sigh
these wounds that will not heal, taking away everything, and I can't seem to find myself. lost in the tangle of thoughts and cuts that are me. once again not whole. fear is my hope, the only salvation I have left a poisonous kiss from my soul a pain that will not leave me voices in my head pushing me to that end. cuts bleeding before my eyes burns melting the skin make it insane push it away and I don't know why; the sacrifice of love for hate, pain is mine eternally |
Another battle scar
in the fight of your life that thin line between sanity and madness gets thinner often obliterated by the highs, the lows? When you lose sight is it still there to cross? the line so thin like the battle scars I've earned in my battle for life. |
Strange tangled words of depression,
sprawling across a deep void in the back of your subconsciousness, waiting to emerge, like small epidemics of anger that dwell on your mind. Strange how I feel fine, as a burning hatred slowly takes over, leaving no-one to mystify. black velvet enthrals the most envious with sharp desire. Objections of the forgotten kind, amuse your soul, opening doors to new fiery furnaces. Suicidal daydreams grope your mind, as sadism slowly creeps up on you, as you drift haltingly back into the black paranoia you know as life. |
* | ||
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I walk aimlessly, destination nowhere.
I hide beneath the shadows of the sun. I taste of the dead, for this is what I am. Stares aren't as comforting as the beatings, and life is less comforting than death. Born dead to this world, I continue to rot. Are there more like me, or are we also oblivious to the dead? Death fills my mind, eyes and heart, I long for death once again. Old blood lingers in my mouth, cracking lips. With death brings life and with my funeral brings my birth. My birth of life: death equals life. |
The silver object in my hand,
glitters like the moon in its reflection on the water. The blade of the knife beckons for the wound, I have but no choice. As the blood runs down my arm, the knife slips from my grasp. Red covers the floor in spatters, and it covers my clothes. Blood smears on my hands as they struggle to cover the first wound. Finally done and blood stained. Once, twice, three is too much. Blood stains my skin, and now it is no longer washable. I feel it is life, for life is death. I dream as if in sleep, but its only unconsciousness, which knocks near death's door, as I'm rushed to the emergency room. |
Their happiness is a gun to my head,
Their smiles, shards of broken glass. Their empty chatter echoes through my hollow body. Envy flows through my veins. Tainted green blood. Their laughter rattles the pinnacle of my subconscious. Their shallow gaze cuts a deep incision. Blood, but no life. |
* | ||
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I cry out in despair
you come running arms open, ready to protect me from the world. If only you knew that it's myself I need protection from. |
You ask me what is wrong
I say "Nothing" You ask me what's wrong I should have been an
You ask me what is wrong
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This open void stares through me
a glimmer of darkness striding forth into this eternal place where thoughts are left to gather dust. I sit in this silent moment
This world is a mirror
The candle burns its endless tune
I feel like a window looking out
I am the wall taken for granted
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* | ||
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My pain is shown through cuts on my wrist
my tears are in the blood the open wounds are my screams for help but they are hidden, no-one can hear them. the smile on my face is the mask I use my image of perfection covers my troubles. I long to change so many things, but the only action I take is cutting my arms. the sharp knife digs into my skin of problems and they are all relieved with the pain I cause but as the cuts start to heal and close my emotions hide inside my scars, the marks that show just how weak I am. |
There's no black and white anymore
Life is a surrealist painting with water running uphill The more I grow, the more the edges blur The colours bleed and I realise I'm lost. I juggle with sunshine and doom
Shirking nomality
and anyway, I wouldn't know
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She sits across from me.
Staring. No Wait, Maybe I am not looking. "How can you hurt yourself like that?" she asks. I simply reply "How can you wake up every morning and not be utterly disgusted with yourself?" She just doesn't
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* | ||
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It gets to be too much
I need to let it out the only way I know I catch sight of my reflection
I enter my secret abyss
I start the slow surrender
I look at my reflection
I tried to change to no effect
Scared of what could be
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This is corporate depression
A brand name drug product A fad of symptoms The standard diagnosis For any kid who doesn't fit in a box. |
Kill me tonight
when my thoughts start to run My left arm is weighted down with too many scars I've been loosely held together for so long, grasping at straws and looking for light All I have found is a cage of darkness. I'm on the verge of a breakdown so help me decide Tie me back together or kill me tonight. |
* | ||
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Unquestioned Expression
Tears run,
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Screaming
Can I scream it any louder,
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Once again the fog comes.
I can't see. I am slow. I slowly walk, talk and watch others do the same. I'm tired. Awake. Asleep in my head. Numbness. Cut, Cut, Cut. I hurt, but I can feel. Until tomorrow. When it starts again. |
* | ||
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Sympathetic dagger
graze my arms stab through pull it til the blood runs cut away the ugliness the emptiness the nothingness leave a trail of memory so one day I can heal. |
I'm feeling better
I really am Today was good I smiled and it didn't hurt I had some confidence I looked people in the eye I feel at peace Cause I found the knife. |
Need to get it out
somebody listen please don't ask questions or worry just hear me out its been inside too long I don't know how to free it I'm too damn good at hiding it I don't even know how to find it but I feel it inside growing and beating its bursting my ribs its crushing my heart somebody listen let me get it out |
* | ||
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The ripped up flesh
I look almost normal When I smile at you but it makes me feel so guilty. Surrounded by these perfect people I almost blend in but if I look normal how many of them are hiding their scars too? |
Will anyone take my scars
and hold them precious? Will they look past them and see me or will they run away? |
This Helps
Help me
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* | ||
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Fingerprints
Even though its been seven years
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Why am I always a disappointment?
Every time I think I've got it together Like I finally might be okay I fuck it up Too many times It kills my heart I live in my own personal hell All alone If I pretend I'm okay will you make it go away? |
The red river flows
from its source, deep in the Earth. The pump, still beating, pushing the spring up to the surface to trickle a slow thick stream from the fault which cuts through the skin, bleeding the fluid which brings forth the torture of life. |
* | ||
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They say that eyes are the window to the soul,
So if you were to look into mine, what would you see? Would you see a heart, tired and broken, destroyed through years of hurt and abuse? Would you see the scars on my spirit, reflected and amplified a thousand times more than the ones covering my body? Would you see a lifetime of guilt and shame, so much that it has eaten away the very essence of my hope to live? Would you see me hiding the pain, trying to fit in, acting as though no-one has ever betrayed me? Would you ever bother to search my soul deep enough to find out? |
A piece of joy
lingering in the back of my throat but its gone I remember it but its not here now Now is what matters. Tomorrow will hurt just as much. Now I'm alone. Now I'm empty. Now I'm sinking. I could end the now and forever. I know that no-one would stop me. |
Push it down
Push it all down and if you cut yourself you will think you're happy don't listen don't let the lyrics replay in your head. I hate myself and want to die Stop the thoughts look on the bright side is suicide the evidence of broken glass embedded in my brain press down with this dull thing meant to be used only once close my eyes and close my ears and end the trigger of the words tonight. please stop it. I just can't fight it any more. |
* | ||
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Everything bleeds
in corners in shadows on empty streets behind closed doors the crimson flows so freely the private wounds reopened but in the light we cover them and smile. |
So numb tonight
and I laugh like a girl who has never felt tears and I cut like a creature whose dry sobs catch in the back of the throat. I don't know why Worse, I fear I know swallowed the guilt drank it down til I could laugh and smile and suddenly nothing's wrong. Please don't ask I cannot talk about it I don't want to know so I cannot think about it. |
I know
I've been your hands holding that blade and I understand the need to draw your own blood. I take excuses from your mouth draw up a map of pain. pinpoint scars Are they who we are or are we really who they are? I won't try to stop you, but I will say be careful and I will mop up your pain when its over, apply a bandaid to your wounds because I know. |
* | ||
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You don't see me.
You never look You don't even give me the chance to show you. You don't hear me
I take my knife
Only then do you see me
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I hate you
I hate you more than anything. I despise you. Every time I build up some hope within you
In the thirty seconds it takes
Just like you. |
You need to fight.
You have to overcome the torturous waves of temptation and destruction. You don't want to give in. You don't want more scars covering your body. You need to put the blade away
Don't give up.
Just don't give up.
(Jade stopped cutting, a few
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* | ||
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Fallen Angel
My whole life seems like
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Can anyone hear me cry my invisible cry?
Can anyone see me dying? Does anyone care? I sit on my bed and cry holding my knife in my hand One single slice and it would end but what would that do? Leave me twenty times more miserable burning in hell for eternity. |
Standing on the roof in the chill of night
Looking to the sky for the answers already known Cursing my life and all the pain Folding into myself, drowning in sorrow Burning with the pain of a hundred scars which never heal. Crying tears of glass on a face of stone A soul awash in pain, searching for peace A heart longing for the love that's so far Staring into hands of warmth with no one to hold Speaking words never heard by the ears of mortals Screaming to the heavens This is what it is to truly be alone. |
* | ||
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Scary
emotions overpowering the soul no escape; no release building, climbing, growing can't take it anymore must be some way to be normal turning up the music; blocking them trying to forget what is happening it doesn't work, nothing does no escape; no release building up so fast; out of control shiny, silver razor slowly, firmly, deliberately soft, milky white skin cracks and breaks brilliant crimson flows out relief, control the world returns to normal the only reminder is the stinging cuts and the wet tears on my cheeks. |
Falling, lightly falling
One by one they're falling The flowers dying while petals are falling gently to the ground The flowers dead, the petals decaying Everything will die yet they're there, so pure and sweet dying so beautifully Shrunk to dirt, bruised and cracked resembling myself Beauty's dead, but beauty's there Another time, another space Death is pure, as I once was. |
She is scarred
on both her soul and her wrists. She bleeds to purify herself but it is never enough. |
* | ||
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A star
A black star then a dead star twinkling away inside me repressed, soon to suffocate. Lies which feed me. Lies which I feed. Anything to save me from myself. Truth which scares, which I can't handle. Try to breathe, they steal my breath, take it all away. Nothing's mine. The star is fading, dead, nourished with my pain, fading away, slipping away. Let it go. Let it slip. No harm. No pain. No star. |
I'm the colour of death,
with the shimmering of freshly shed blood. I am complete darkness inside a room of no light. There's no way for you to enter me. No door, no cracks to peek through, and no windows to bare my naked self for all to see. |
I speak nonsense.
I'm senseless. Twisting to a new dimension of emotion, I plunge gently into the abyss. May I have this glimpse of release carry me away? I was not meant to stay here in this ceaseless dream. Visions haunting me in perpetual night. Softly with love intertwined with sorrow let me sleep once more. I must rest my heart, my fearing. Hush and I cry. I plead for my soul. |
* | ||
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Her eyes are evasive.
They strip my soul with just one glance, exposing my inner demons. Killing me without even a word, for how can I live without my sickness to cling to? She understands, yet she rapes me pure, fills me with screaming emotion, deafening, "hit me - please - hit me!" I've gone into shock, but she won't reach out and touch me. Just stares with tear soaked eyes as blood runs down her arms into me. |
Broken, blood streaked mirror,
grinning, on my fucking life. No religion can make me feel any better while a god-fucked steel blade seethes in my guts. Laugh, laugh, laugh... I can't stop laughing. You see, life is so funny. It isn't real. Death is just death. I wonder how it will feel to lie rotting in my grave. It is something you can never know. When you die, its Game Over. No chance to continue, and you don't have a dollar anyhow. Sharp, shiny silver knife. Salty red. Life seeps into pink bathwater. Carvings in the wall scream in my face. Fucking world. There's no-one to give me a grip. No-one else but me. Duck my head in the toilet. Hold my breath Fling my wet head away from the bowl, dripping water flying, staining, screaming, screaming. | (Continued)
Cold fucking water. Pain, and someone stuck a needle poking through my fingernail. This kind of hurts. Giggle madly. Beauty, love, what trash. Silly fucking illusions to fool people. Lies stomping on their bruised backs, so they suffer and don't see that the wall is blank. No writing on it. Just blank. Nothing. Blackened-red grin slices bleeding lips, filled with mirror slivers. Cry, why, why, why? Die. Who the fuck wants to live when you are just giving up your immortality to nothing but a yellow sky, dead grass and laughter, and a fucking friend who doesn't give a shit about you, but will make a game of running in front of speeding cars to die and laugh a splattered mess because she knows the secret, and there is no escape. |
* | ||
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You think you know what I'm about,
but actually you don't. You think you know what I'm feeling, but you have no idea. At first I let you in, and now I shut you out. When you think I'm happy, my feelings tear me up. When I'm smiling to the world, I'm crying to myself. Can't you see that all I really want to do, is leave this world right now? |
Dark red blood flowing through your veins.
You're full of life while I'm dying slowly. Stealing the very life from me as you laugh with insanity. I'm cold. Dead. Alone. No-one understands my life. Left face down in the mud, abandoned. No hope. |
This pain deep inside burning my soul.
Darkness that fills my head floods out all insanity. I can't control my shakes. Every second filled with fear. Demonic screams echo throughout my brain. Screams of hurt and hatred. They tear me apart, leaving me in pieces. Their voices are talking shit. Telling me to kill myself, but I won't give up. Never. I wanna kill myself. I wanna kill myself. I wanna kill myself. I wanna kill You. |
* | ||
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The ever so familiar feeling of darkness
rolls over me once more. Suffocated
Once more I thought it had left me for good.
Down some more pills to kill the pain.
I sit here and take it.
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Inside I'm screaming, crying, hurting.
Outside I'm hurting myself. Silent cries for help. I know I shouldn't. I can't stop. The pain takes over. Nothing else fills my head. The storm settles for a minute. All is calm. I'm tempted to go further. I've slashed my legs and my arms. What's next? My neck. In the calm a voice calls. A voice I can hardly resist. My fingers tingle. The knife glints in my eyes. I want to, I need to do this. End this life of hatred, exclusion, loneliness, numbness. I'm not scarred. The storm is still, but the clouds hover. I plunge the blade in my neck and slide it across, ripping skin, tearing flesh, pouring blood, running freely. At last, the clouds have gone. The sky is clear in my head now. The torment is over. |
These scars I wear
are courage medals of battles long past. Each scar has a story and how I wish I could say the pain is only skin deep. These medals are scars of a lifetime. My own little memory book, right on my skin. To tell you, I'd have to surrender, and I'm not quite ready for that. Until that day comes, I'll continue adding to my collection of memories. These memories like a children's fairytale gone incredibly gruesome are all part of my emotional makeup. Without them, who would I be? With them I have scars. I am strong, for these memories are scars of a lifetime. |
* | ||
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(c) Jade Tutt, 2002-2004
Jade wrote most of this when she was 16,
Jade produced some very dark drawings
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